This week we began a corporate fast and I began with expectation.
The morning before the fast began I journaled, " During this fast I expect to draw closer to Him, to unleash the power of the Holy Spirit and to go deeper into scripture". I didn't even know what I was going to fast at that point. Many in the church are fasting TV or games, some are cutting a certain food from their diet, some are following the Daniel fast, others are on a water only fast and still others are combining some of these. By the end of the day I knew what my fast would be because I expected God to tell me. I didn't know where I was going to start in scripture, but He told me and that was no surprise, I expected He would. God began day one giving me tid bits and at the end of this fast I expect these tid bits are going to add up to something life changing.
Tid Bit #1: Preparation. I need to prepare my spirit to receive. There was a time a couple of years ago, I pleaded, "God please let your light shine through me. Let me be your light and use me to spread your glory." He gave me what I asked for, but I was not prepared to do what He was asking of me. This was day one of the fast and I am certain He is telling me that we need to prepare for what He will be raining down on our little God loving church.
Tid Bit #2: Pray Expectantly. As I type this I am amazed. I went back to my journal to see what tid bit I received day two...amazing, it is the same tid bit I received today. I think He really wants me to get this one. This insight came to me when a friend sent a text saying her heart rate would not go down. I knew she had been dealing with an accelerated heart rate for some time, but today she said, "It won't go down". ...I said, "Oh yes it will! In the name of Jesus it will! BRB praying." Man, I have to say that was the most awesome prayer EVER! I texted her back..."you had to feel that!" She said she felt a sense of peace come over her and her heart rate went down while she was taking it. Amen, Amen and Amen. I then asked another wonderful woman of God how her health was. We had prayed for healing the day before and she said it seemed a little better but was praying that God will heal her in His time. I thought, "No, I am going to pray expecting healing now." I told her I was going to pray hard that day. I stopped what I was doing, got on my knees on the floor of my office and prayed that she would be healed. Not later, now, in the name of Jesus she will pick up her mat and be free of this. Praise God, she is!!
Tid Bit #3: Restoration Like everyone else, I have had a few road bumps in life. For some reason I can't get back to where I used to be. I let life take control of me awhile back. I went from someone that just took the hits as they came and took care of what need to be taken care of to sitting back and letting things go. God told me to prioritize and just get things done. Prioritize. First is Him. Start every day in prayer and schedule my day, keeping Him my priority. If I do, my heart will be restored to a place God dwells, my home will be restored to a home where God dwells, my workplace will be a place God dwells. It is all about restoration.
Through this fast I am preparing my spirit and praying expectantly for restoration. I know that this is what He wants for us.
Moses told Pharaoh that the plague would end THEN he went to God. He prayed expectantly. When Jesus healed the blind He didn't say I'll pray for you and then hope that the blind man would someday see. He said, "you can see". He didn't tell the man who hadn't had the use of his legs that maybe later he would find the strength, God willing, to walk. He said "get up, pick up your mat and go". He was healed.
If we have the power of the Holy Spirit within us, if we have all the power of Jesus within us, why do we throw down safety nets in our prayers? I am not saying that sometimes the answer isn't no or later. It is true that God is God and we are not. God will do what God wants when He wants. But we can certainly pray expecting the answer will be yes. Our prayers do make difference to our Daddy. When Moses prayed to stop the plague so the Pharaoh would have another chance, God knew the Pharaoh's heart was hardened and He would have to send the next plague. But, Moses prayed expectantly and God showed His heart saying yes to an expectant prayer warrior.
These tid bits themselves are life changing but this is only day 6 of 21. I am certainly expecting more and praising His mighty mighty name in advance for what He chooses to bring to light.
Glory Be to God...always.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
No Ifs Ands or Buts!
I'm back! Wow, I have been on a whirlwind ride for a few weeks now. I am not sure where to begin. God has told me over and over again over the past few weeks that He wants me to share and I have ignored Him AGAIN. When will I ever learn?
A few weeks ago our small group watched a movie about healing. It was amazing stuff and honestly very hard to wrap my mind around. Sometimes you either believe or you don't. A portion of the film focused on a group of college aged young men and women that prayed together, asked God where to go and who to pray for and just did it. They went to the shopping center, coffee shop, ice cream parlor...any place God told them go. They prayed for anyone that God told them to. How cool is that? They didn't ask them to come join their church or read a pamphlet they just happen to have handy, they just wanted to show God's love no matter where you are, who you are or what you are doing.
All I could think was "I want to do that!" If you know me at all, you know that is one of the craziest thoughts I have ever had. I will pray out loud with someone, let alone a stranger when...well you know the saying...when it freezes over.
Four days later I got a call that started something that changed my life forever. It's the smallest things that God uses to do His best work! I couldn't take the call but I received the simplest message. "Will you pray for me?" My first thought was, "Why in the world would anyone call me to pray? Have you ever heard me pray out loud with anyone? Have you ever watched me pray with someone?" I nervously called her back to pray with her but left a message instead. I hung up the phone and for probably the 5th time in my life, I prayed out loud. All alone in my car, praying this prayer that touched my spirit. I finished praying and went on my way.
The next morning I was starting my day in the Word like I do most days and I couldn't get this prayer request out of my head. As you may know by now my brain does not work in the typical way. It jumps from one thing to another and God knew exactly where that phone call would lead me. It lead me back to the fight I have been fighting for at least two years.
I have felt such power in my hands, a feeling I cannot describe. I have been told by many people that I have the gift of healing. That I am a prayer warrior that I am a "powerful woman of God". I believe like no other that God can do anything, I just didn't believe He would use me to do something great. These were words of people so how do I know it's true. How do I know it is from Him. I believe, I trust, but I needed more and more and more confirmation.
Day after day I battle, this particular Wednesday morning I gave up the fight. I got on my knees and asked God to reveal to me once and for all, do I have healing hands, do I have gifts He wants me to use, is He asking me to move? "Please God tell me and make it clear, I am one hard headed woman. I am only going to believe it if it is perfectly clear. No ifs ands or buts. Please God." I stayed there on my knees, covered in a blanket in complete silence...and I got nothing, nada, zip, zero. Well that was pretty clear or so I thought.
A few hours later I received a text from a friend, a sister in Christ who is certain God has put us together for a greater purpose. The text was simple..."Do you believe you have the gift of healing hands or not?" Then she went on to tell me that God had just put it on her heart, again, that we are together for a reason and that I have the gift of healing. She knows without a doubt. How in the world can she be so certain? OK let's test this. The only way to get out of my comfort zone and let God tell me once and for all is to just do this. I suggest that instead of our planned coffee outing, we start praying. Let's ask God to tell us where to go and who to pray for and Thursday we will pray for whoever He leads us to. She is ready for the idea right away. (I admire that about her.) I am willing to go through with it, after all I suggested it, but it scares the peewadins out of me! I immediately had a name in mind and that she needed healing for her knee.
Now I knew for certain, I am crazy!! I have not spoken to or seen this woman in months. Why in the world would I think that she needed prayer let alone specifically her knee. Since this was obviously another moment of insanity, I tried to put this thought out of my mind. Again and again, she needs prayer for her knee kept popping into my head...all day Wednesday, all day Thursday. But I put the crazy thought out of my head. (I am not only crazy, I am stubborn.) Thursday evening came and it was time to go. My friend calls, she can't make it. Something came up that she just cannot get away from. My first thought, "Whew!" Next thought, "I bet she didn't even need prayer for her knee." So I can just get on with my evening of relaxation now that I have nothing to do, I decided to send my friend a text and the answer will prove my insanity. "This is a weird question out of the blue, but are you having pain in your knee?" The answer was the answer I asked for...no ifs ands or buts God, I need to know. She answered, "Why do you ask? I just had surgery on my knee."
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT? REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY!
That's what was in my head but my text just read, "Do you mind if I come pray with you?"
She was not only didn't mind, she was happy to have me over. She obviously wanted to know how I knew about her knee. Prior me getting to her house, she checked facebook to see if she had posted something about her knee. I got to her home and she began to tell me the tough time she and her family had recently been through. She was going to the doctor the next day and she was fearing what the doctor had to say, she had been through several surgeries, her husband and some medical issues. One thing after another.
We sat together and I began to pray. I got so hot from head to toe, broke out in sweat and could barely breathe while I was praying. By the time I finished praying with her we were both in tears. We both needed that prayer. She needed to know that God was with her through all of it. I needed to know what God wants me to do.
This was not about physical healing, although the diagnosis is still not in and we are not done praying for her, it was about emotional and spiritual healing. God worked so many ways to bring the two of us together. He gave us this time with no one else included to know we are loved by Him. He has not left our sides. She has been going through hard times and needed to know He has been there the whole time. I needed to hear Him tell me to stop fighting it and to see just how amazing it can be to let the Holy Spirits power pour through me.
I love Him more and more every day. I love His amazing signs and wonders no matter how small they seem to be. I now pray when people ask and when they don't ask. I am learning to listen. My heart's desire as I type this is to grow in my prayer life. To allow my prayers to reach the heavens, to pray loudly, strongly with certainty and expectation. I want to bring glory to God my Father in any way that He will honor me with His holy presence. No ifs ands or buts about it...He is my daddy who loves me without condition and He deserves my obedience without such a battle.
In the mighty mighty name of Jesus!
A few weeks ago our small group watched a movie about healing. It was amazing stuff and honestly very hard to wrap my mind around. Sometimes you either believe or you don't. A portion of the film focused on a group of college aged young men and women that prayed together, asked God where to go and who to pray for and just did it. They went to the shopping center, coffee shop, ice cream parlor...any place God told them go. They prayed for anyone that God told them to. How cool is that? They didn't ask them to come join their church or read a pamphlet they just happen to have handy, they just wanted to show God's love no matter where you are, who you are or what you are doing.
All I could think was "I want to do that!" If you know me at all, you know that is one of the craziest thoughts I have ever had. I will pray out loud with someone, let alone a stranger when...well you know the saying...when it freezes over.
Four days later I got a call that started something that changed my life forever. It's the smallest things that God uses to do His best work! I couldn't take the call but I received the simplest message. "Will you pray for me?" My first thought was, "Why in the world would anyone call me to pray? Have you ever heard me pray out loud with anyone? Have you ever watched me pray with someone?" I nervously called her back to pray with her but left a message instead. I hung up the phone and for probably the 5th time in my life, I prayed out loud. All alone in my car, praying this prayer that touched my spirit. I finished praying and went on my way.
The next morning I was starting my day in the Word like I do most days and I couldn't get this prayer request out of my head. As you may know by now my brain does not work in the typical way. It jumps from one thing to another and God knew exactly where that phone call would lead me. It lead me back to the fight I have been fighting for at least two years.
I have felt such power in my hands, a feeling I cannot describe. I have been told by many people that I have the gift of healing. That I am a prayer warrior that I am a "powerful woman of God". I believe like no other that God can do anything, I just didn't believe He would use me to do something great. These were words of people so how do I know it's true. How do I know it is from Him. I believe, I trust, but I needed more and more and more confirmation.
Day after day I battle, this particular Wednesday morning I gave up the fight. I got on my knees and asked God to reveal to me once and for all, do I have healing hands, do I have gifts He wants me to use, is He asking me to move? "Please God tell me and make it clear, I am one hard headed woman. I am only going to believe it if it is perfectly clear. No ifs ands or buts. Please God." I stayed there on my knees, covered in a blanket in complete silence...and I got nothing, nada, zip, zero. Well that was pretty clear or so I thought.
A few hours later I received a text from a friend, a sister in Christ who is certain God has put us together for a greater purpose. The text was simple..."Do you believe you have the gift of healing hands or not?" Then she went on to tell me that God had just put it on her heart, again, that we are together for a reason and that I have the gift of healing. She knows without a doubt. How in the world can she be so certain? OK let's test this. The only way to get out of my comfort zone and let God tell me once and for all is to just do this. I suggest that instead of our planned coffee outing, we start praying. Let's ask God to tell us where to go and who to pray for and Thursday we will pray for whoever He leads us to. She is ready for the idea right away. (I admire that about her.) I am willing to go through with it, after all I suggested it, but it scares the peewadins out of me! I immediately had a name in mind and that she needed healing for her knee.
Now I knew for certain, I am crazy!! I have not spoken to or seen this woman in months. Why in the world would I think that she needed prayer let alone specifically her knee. Since this was obviously another moment of insanity, I tried to put this thought out of my mind. Again and again, she needs prayer for her knee kept popping into my head...all day Wednesday, all day Thursday. But I put the crazy thought out of my head. (I am not only crazy, I am stubborn.) Thursday evening came and it was time to go. My friend calls, she can't make it. Something came up that she just cannot get away from. My first thought, "Whew!" Next thought, "I bet she didn't even need prayer for her knee." So I can just get on with my evening of relaxation now that I have nothing to do, I decided to send my friend a text and the answer will prove my insanity. "This is a weird question out of the blue, but are you having pain in your knee?" The answer was the answer I asked for...no ifs ands or buts God, I need to know. She answered, "Why do you ask? I just had surgery on my knee."
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT? REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY!
That's what was in my head but my text just read, "Do you mind if I come pray with you?"
She was not only didn't mind, she was happy to have me over. She obviously wanted to know how I knew about her knee. Prior me getting to her house, she checked facebook to see if she had posted something about her knee. I got to her home and she began to tell me the tough time she and her family had recently been through. She was going to the doctor the next day and she was fearing what the doctor had to say, she had been through several surgeries, her husband and some medical issues. One thing after another.
We sat together and I began to pray. I got so hot from head to toe, broke out in sweat and could barely breathe while I was praying. By the time I finished praying with her we were both in tears. We both needed that prayer. She needed to know that God was with her through all of it. I needed to know what God wants me to do.
This was not about physical healing, although the diagnosis is still not in and we are not done praying for her, it was about emotional and spiritual healing. God worked so many ways to bring the two of us together. He gave us this time with no one else included to know we are loved by Him. He has not left our sides. She has been going through hard times and needed to know He has been there the whole time. I needed to hear Him tell me to stop fighting it and to see just how amazing it can be to let the Holy Spirits power pour through me.
I love Him more and more every day. I love His amazing signs and wonders no matter how small they seem to be. I now pray when people ask and when they don't ask. I am learning to listen. My heart's desire as I type this is to grow in my prayer life. To allow my prayers to reach the heavens, to pray loudly, strongly with certainty and expectation. I want to bring glory to God my Father in any way that He will honor me with His holy presence. No ifs ands or buts about it...He is my daddy who loves me without condition and He deserves my obedience without such a battle.
In the mighty mighty name of Jesus!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Where Do I Begin?
It has been way too long since I blogged anything. I have been so wrapped up in the world that I haven't had time to blog. The truth is that I haven't made the time. Over the past several days God has been tugging at my heart giving me words to share and I have just sat here silently. I know that this does not make my Daddy happy. My prayer today is that I don't stop. I open my mouth and He fills it. Then I pour it out to whoever is supposed to hear.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am a ponderer. I sit silently in church, I sit silently in our small group then I get home and think for a week and figure it all out and keep it to myself. In our small group we have been reading the book The God Chasers. Last week we hit on something that has been on my mind all week and this morning I hit on something that got me so riled up I have been talking to myself about it for at least an hour.
So where do I begin?
I think I will start with this mornings revelation that actually began at Sunday's church service when we were giving our tithes and offerings. It hit me that we constantly say and are told to give, to tithe and He will bless us for it. The truth is tithing, giving IS the blessing. We are blessed to have it to give, we are blessed to be a small part of watering a seed with what God has passed through our hands, we are blessed to be in church without fear... One line hit me hard this morning as I read The God Chasers..."We have managed to turn what we erroneously call 'church' into a big 'bless me club' where we sign up for this blessing and that blessing." Wow, how true! How do we not get what the writer was expressing to the Christian Jews in the book of Hebrews. He was saying then what we are still learning today. We can not earn it, it has been given to us already. Today it is just eating at me, we ask and ask and ask for blessings. We pray for them over and over again. We come expecting blessings but do we ever come expecting Him? The truth is that we have the blessing of all blessing. He died for us, He died for me. His death gave us freedom, joy and comfort. He has given us our every need and all the power of Jesus himself. All blessings are sitting there, right in front of us, all we have to do is reach for them, stop sitting and waiting for them to fall upon us because of something we have done or just because we ask. Unfortunately, most of us fill our hands with so many worldly things that we can't grab what is rightfully ours. It's time to drop everything and reach for what He has layed down in front of us for the taking. All we need is Him. Personally I have to stop telling myself that I am not worthy. Of course I am not, who is? But the blessing is He graciously gave it to me any way. Thank you Jesus!
Last week we were talking about the living water. We were talking about going deep, ankle deep, knee deep, thigh deep etc. The writer commented that the water should be the shallowest at the altar. I have to be honest I wasn't wrapping my head around that. My pondering went a little differently this time. I had pictures flashing in my mind. I was in the deepest part of a huge lake. I was soaked, wet from head to toe. Then I was suddenly floating on top of the water. It was so still, the sun was shining on me and I was just relaxing in the stillness. Next I was standing, looking down at my feet, toes in the water at the shore. I was noticing the movement of the water. It just kept moving in and out. I realized that the deepest part of the water is the calmest and most serene. The movement is at the shallowest point, at the shore. Is this what the writer meant about the water being the shallowest at that altar? I think so. I think the altar is where the movement takes place. I have been praying for clarity on this all week and I think I have it. At least I have what I am supposed to get out of it. When we go deep and soak in the river of life and float on it's majesty we will eventually end up back at the shore. The water always circulates to the shore. We show up at the shore, the altar, filled with the Holy Spirit, refreshed. We create a larger coast line, keeping it moving so others want to go deep. They see what's going on in the shallow end and want more, more, more, deeper, deeper, deeper until they are eventually swept back to altar. It is all a cycle, there is constant movement, we sit at the altar and get swept back into the stillness of the deep until we come crashing into the altar again so that we can share what we have experienced and die a little more.
I feel like we are praying for a tsunami and it is coming! It starts miles away, building strength. It begins with a shake in the deep but we can't see it from the surface until the unstoppable power explodes at the shoreline. A little shake in the deep builds momentum and ends up with a huge explosion at the altar.
The deep cries out and I praise the Lord!
Thank you Ana for your blessings. You have shaken me back into a place I left months ago and it feels so good to be back.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am a ponderer. I sit silently in church, I sit silently in our small group then I get home and think for a week and figure it all out and keep it to myself. In our small group we have been reading the book The God Chasers. Last week we hit on something that has been on my mind all week and this morning I hit on something that got me so riled up I have been talking to myself about it for at least an hour.
So where do I begin?
I think I will start with this mornings revelation that actually began at Sunday's church service when we were giving our tithes and offerings. It hit me that we constantly say and are told to give, to tithe and He will bless us for it. The truth is tithing, giving IS the blessing. We are blessed to have it to give, we are blessed to be a small part of watering a seed with what God has passed through our hands, we are blessed to be in church without fear... One line hit me hard this morning as I read The God Chasers..."We have managed to turn what we erroneously call 'church' into a big 'bless me club' where we sign up for this blessing and that blessing." Wow, how true! How do we not get what the writer was expressing to the Christian Jews in the book of Hebrews. He was saying then what we are still learning today. We can not earn it, it has been given to us already. Today it is just eating at me, we ask and ask and ask for blessings. We pray for them over and over again. We come expecting blessings but do we ever come expecting Him? The truth is that we have the blessing of all blessing. He died for us, He died for me. His death gave us freedom, joy and comfort. He has given us our every need and all the power of Jesus himself. All blessings are sitting there, right in front of us, all we have to do is reach for them, stop sitting and waiting for them to fall upon us because of something we have done or just because we ask. Unfortunately, most of us fill our hands with so many worldly things that we can't grab what is rightfully ours. It's time to drop everything and reach for what He has layed down in front of us for the taking. All we need is Him. Personally I have to stop telling myself that I am not worthy. Of course I am not, who is? But the blessing is He graciously gave it to me any way. Thank you Jesus!
Last week we were talking about the living water. We were talking about going deep, ankle deep, knee deep, thigh deep etc. The writer commented that the water should be the shallowest at the altar. I have to be honest I wasn't wrapping my head around that. My pondering went a little differently this time. I had pictures flashing in my mind. I was in the deepest part of a huge lake. I was soaked, wet from head to toe. Then I was suddenly floating on top of the water. It was so still, the sun was shining on me and I was just relaxing in the stillness. Next I was standing, looking down at my feet, toes in the water at the shore. I was noticing the movement of the water. It just kept moving in and out. I realized that the deepest part of the water is the calmest and most serene. The movement is at the shallowest point, at the shore. Is this what the writer meant about the water being the shallowest at that altar? I think so. I think the altar is where the movement takes place. I have been praying for clarity on this all week and I think I have it. At least I have what I am supposed to get out of it. When we go deep and soak in the river of life and float on it's majesty we will eventually end up back at the shore. The water always circulates to the shore. We show up at the shore, the altar, filled with the Holy Spirit, refreshed. We create a larger coast line, keeping it moving so others want to go deep. They see what's going on in the shallow end and want more, more, more, deeper, deeper, deeper until they are eventually swept back to altar. It is all a cycle, there is constant movement, we sit at the altar and get swept back into the stillness of the deep until we come crashing into the altar again so that we can share what we have experienced and die a little more.
I feel like we are praying for a tsunami and it is coming! It starts miles away, building strength. It begins with a shake in the deep but we can't see it from the surface until the unstoppable power explodes at the shoreline. A little shake in the deep builds momentum and ends up with a huge explosion at the altar.
The deep cries out and I praise the Lord!
Thank you Ana for your blessings. You have shaken me back into a place I left months ago and it feels so good to be back.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Yes
September of 2006 I was chosen to be on a jury of a murder trial. I sat through that trial day in and day out. At the end of October the judge gave us our instructions and let us leave for the day and we were to report bright and early the next moring to begin deliberations.
That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam. I reached up and put my hand right on a lump. It is strange how many directions my mind can go. I'd take my hand away, try again and there it was, over and over again. I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.
The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office. I was able to get in very early the next morning.
I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face. The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was. When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face. He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound. This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine.
I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities. The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was. When she felt it she said, "hmmm" with puzzled look on her face. It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the hmmms were for. The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing. It was a surprise to them that was actually something there. The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.
I went to the ultrasound tech. I thought finally, this is where I need to be. The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.
WRONG!
The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you". Gulp.
The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon. He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is.
The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab. Finally, I got the call from the doctor. My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone. Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all." They needed to take more tissue and it may have spread to my lymph nodes. I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.
Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer.
Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class. It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.
James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."
What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes". There were three moments in time that came back to me today.
1. The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person. Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone. Especially if you know my Dad. When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine". I said, "God's got it, this is out my control." She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it".
2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors. They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this. I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there. God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith.
3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break. The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.." She gave me the pity look. I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me. God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me.
I knew like never before that God would take care of me. I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on. I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying. I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.
I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God. I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was. BUT I had a child like faith and my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul. I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any. I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted.
Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him. It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough. I am at a place of love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness? I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam. I reached up and put my hand right on a lump. It is strange how many directions my mind can go. I'd take my hand away, try again and there it was, over and over again. I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.
The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office. I was able to get in very early the next morning.
I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face. The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was. When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face. He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound. This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine.
I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities. The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was. When she felt it she said, "hmmm" with puzzled look on her face. It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the hmmms were for. The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing. It was a surprise to them that was actually something there. The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.
I went to the ultrasound tech. I thought finally, this is where I need to be. The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.
WRONG!
The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you". Gulp.
The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon. He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is.
The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab. Finally, I got the call from the doctor. My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone. Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all." They needed to take more tissue and it may have spread to my lymph nodes. I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.
Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer.
Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class. It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.
James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."
What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes". There were three moments in time that came back to me today.
1. The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person. Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone. Especially if you know my Dad. When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine". I said, "God's got it, this is out my control." She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it".
2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors. They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this. I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there. God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith.
3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break. The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.." She gave me the pity look. I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me. God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me.
I knew like never before that God would take care of me. I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on. I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying. I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.
I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God. I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was. BUT I had a child like faith and my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul. I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any. I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted.
Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him. It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough. I am at a place of love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness? I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 4
I have been sitting here, forcing words...typing, deleting, typing, deleting. Finally sitting back, closing my eyes, asking God for guidance.
The truth is if I have to work this hard, it has become about me, not about Him.
God spoke to me through the book of Jonah like He never has before. I have learned so many lessons this week:
The truth is if I have to work this hard, it has become about me, not about Him.
God spoke to me through the book of Jonah like He never has before. I have learned so many lessons this week:
Humility
Grace
Forgiveness
Love
Compassion
Repentance
Patience
Kindness
Selflessness
I have also learned that this book has spoken to me in this way but may have completely different lessons for someone else. I may look at the lesson of the vine completely different than someone else. I may look at the fish swallowing Jonah in a different light than others, I may have it all wrong in the eyes of some.
This is the beauty of God's Word. It speaks to us all in the way that we as individuals understand. There is only one path to His glorious kingdom but we all experience a different journey.
He is God and I am not! Amen.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 3
I am no longer in the belly of the fish but I really don't know why. I have a road ahead of me that God has laid out and I pray that I have the strength to stay on it. There is a lesson for me to learn from this which I have learned. A lesson of God's compassion, love (hesed), goodness and mercy. I am not perfect and never will be. I am a sinner and a sin, is a sin, is a sin. PERIOD
I look at Jonah and wonder how he missed it. He was actually angry at God. He knew that God is a "gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Jonah 4:2) Yet he was angry with God for showing the same love and compassion to the Ninevites as He did to Jonah.
I have been guilty of that in different ways and I hear people all the time who are as well. They say, "They call themselves Christians but they _______" None of us are perfect. We are all in a different place in our walk. We are all sinners. Anyone can point their finger and fill in that blank about us. Being a Christian doesn't mean I do not sin, I should see sin more clearly and easily, but sometimes still step in it. Walking away was my sin but anything that is against God's will is a sin. If we don't ask God what He wants us to do, then we sin by default...we don't even care to ask.
Praise Lord that I have my God, my Jesus who washed away my sin with his own blood. My God who describes himself in Exodus 33:19 as Goodness, Mercy and Compassion.
I cannot use Him as an excuse to sin, but when I step in it He is there. I have learned to have compassion for those who step into sin. I have learned to show mercy and love, not condemnation. More importantly, to feel the compassion and mercy in my heart. To understand others heartache and not have a judgemental heart. He is God and I am not.
I am breaking through to a new me, thank you Jesus! One step at a time.
Father, what do you want me to do today?
I look at Jonah and wonder how he missed it. He was actually angry at God. He knew that God is a "gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Jonah 4:2) Yet he was angry with God for showing the same love and compassion to the Ninevites as He did to Jonah.
I have been guilty of that in different ways and I hear people all the time who are as well. They say, "They call themselves Christians but they _______" None of us are perfect. We are all in a different place in our walk. We are all sinners. Anyone can point their finger and fill in that blank about us. Being a Christian doesn't mean I do not sin, I should see sin more clearly and easily, but sometimes still step in it. Walking away was my sin but anything that is against God's will is a sin. If we don't ask God what He wants us to do, then we sin by default...we don't even care to ask.
Praise Lord that I have my God, my Jesus who washed away my sin with his own blood. My God who describes himself in Exodus 33:19 as Goodness, Mercy and Compassion.
I cannot use Him as an excuse to sin, but when I step in it He is there. I have learned to have compassion for those who step into sin. I have learned to show mercy and love, not condemnation. More importantly, to feel the compassion and mercy in my heart. To understand others heartache and not have a judgemental heart. He is God and I am not.
I am breaking through to a new me, thank you Jesus! One step at a time.
Father, what do you want me to do today?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Day 2
Today I woke feeling a little less refreshed and ready than yesterday. I am having a difficult time getting out of this funk I am in. I have been through ups and downs in my life, in spirit and in the world. This time the spiritual funk is a little deeper and I need extra work, extra time with God.
This morning I am back in Jonah and even more interested in the great fish that the Lord PROVIDED. What a horrible nasty, smelly rotten place to be. God provided protection to Jonah from the storm Jonah created by not obeying God. But this protection was not an easy place to be. Jonah had sinned and admitted his sin. When he admitted his sin and sacrificed himself to the storm he was protected but it still was not enough. Jonah had to stay in the belly of a fish for 3 days and 3 nights. He needed to do more than just admit his sin. While he was in the fish he turned his eyes back to God, thanked Him and vowed he will make good. He acknowledged God's grace even when Jonah walked in the opposite direction.
When Jonah was truly sorry and came back, God granted repentance and the fish vomited Jonah on to dry land. Once again God gave Jonah the opportunity to follow His will. This time Jonah obeyed .
Today I am in that fish. Yes, I have His protection around me from the storm I caused in my heart, but what a smelly, nasty place to be. I haven't done enough. I realized and admit that I walked the opposite direction of God's will. He gave me gifts to use to glorify His kingdom and I was selfish with them, I didn't allow myself to be used. I got in a rut of everything in this world coming before Him. Until I am truly sorry, not just realize my wrong doing I will stay in this smelly place. God is working on me. I can feel it my soul. I know Him, love Him and trust Him.
The rest of the book of Jonah is living in my heart. I am amazed by God's love and compassion for the Ninevites. I am amazed by Jonah's attitude once God showed the same compassion to the Ninevites that He showed to Jonah. I hope that once God grants me repentance I do not fall into the trap that Jonah and so many of us fall into.
Today I am urgently calling on God. Repentance is coming and I will dwell in the belly of this fish as long as I need to be vomited onto dry land and given another opportunity to follow God's will.
This morning I am back in Jonah and even more interested in the great fish that the Lord PROVIDED. What a horrible nasty, smelly rotten place to be. God provided protection to Jonah from the storm Jonah created by not obeying God. But this protection was not an easy place to be. Jonah had sinned and admitted his sin. When he admitted his sin and sacrificed himself to the storm he was protected but it still was not enough. Jonah had to stay in the belly of a fish for 3 days and 3 nights. He needed to do more than just admit his sin. While he was in the fish he turned his eyes back to God, thanked Him and vowed he will make good. He acknowledged God's grace even when Jonah walked in the opposite direction.
When Jonah was truly sorry and came back, God granted repentance and the fish vomited Jonah on to dry land. Once again God gave Jonah the opportunity to follow His will. This time Jonah obeyed .
Today I am in that fish. Yes, I have His protection around me from the storm I caused in my heart, but what a smelly, nasty place to be. I haven't done enough. I realized and admit that I walked the opposite direction of God's will. He gave me gifts to use to glorify His kingdom and I was selfish with them, I didn't allow myself to be used. I got in a rut of everything in this world coming before Him. Until I am truly sorry, not just realize my wrong doing I will stay in this smelly place. God is working on me. I can feel it my soul. I know Him, love Him and trust Him.
The rest of the book of Jonah is living in my heart. I am amazed by God's love and compassion for the Ninevites. I am amazed by Jonah's attitude once God showed the same compassion to the Ninevites that He showed to Jonah. I hope that once God grants me repentance I do not fall into the trap that Jonah and so many of us fall into.
Today I am urgently calling on God. Repentance is coming and I will dwell in the belly of this fish as long as I need to be vomited onto dry land and given another opportunity to follow God's will.
But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth.
Let everyone call urgently on God.
Let them give up their evil ways and their violence.
Who knows?
God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger
so that we will not perish"
Jonah 3:8-9
Praising Him with all my heart and all my soul. Thank you for your Word and for keeping me safe from my storm.
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