Yes

September of 2006 I was chosen to be on a jury of a murder trial.  I sat through that trial day in and day out.  At the end of October the judge gave us our instructions and let us leave for the day and we were to report bright and early the next moring to begin deliberations. 

That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam.  I reached up and put my hand right on a lump.  It is strange how many directions my mind can go.  I'd take my hand away,  try again and there it was, over and over again.  I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.  

The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office.  I was able to get in very early the next morning. 

I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face.   The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was.  When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face.  He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound.  This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine. 

I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities.  The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was.  When she felt  it she said, "hmmm" with  puzzled look on her face.  It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the  hmmms were for.  The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing.  It was a surprise to them that was actually something there.  The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.

I went to the ultrasound tech.  I thought finally, this is where I need to be.  The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.

WRONG!

The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you".  Gulp.

The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon.  He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is. 

The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab.  Finally, I got the call from the doctor.  My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone.  Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all."  They needed to take more tissue and it  may have spread to my lymph nodes.  I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.

Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer. 

Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class.  It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.

James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."

What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes".  There were three moments in time that came back to me today.

1.  The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person.  Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone.  Especially if you know my Dad.  When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine".  I said, "God's got it, this is out my control."  She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face.  She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it". 

2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors.  They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this.  I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about.  There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there.  God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith. 

3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break.  The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.."  She gave me the pity look.  I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me.  God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me. 

I knew like never before that God would take care of me.  I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on.  I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying.  I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.

I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God.  I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was.  BUT I had a child like faith and  my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul.   I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any.  I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted. 

Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him.  It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough.  I am at a place of  love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness?  I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Day 4

I have been sitting here, forcing words...typing, deleting, typing, deleting.   Finally sitting back, closing my eyes, asking God for guidance.

The truth is if I have to work this hard, it has become about me, not about Him. 

God spoke to me through the book of Jonah like He never has before.  I have learned so many lessons this week:

Humility

Grace

Forgiveness

Love

Compassion

Repentance

Patience

Kindness

Selflessness

I have also learned that this book has spoken to me in this way but may have completely different lessons for someone else.   I may look at the lesson of the vine completely different than someone else. I may look at the fish swallowing Jonah in a different light than others, I may have it all wrong in the eyes of some.

This is the beauty of God's Word.  It speaks to us all in the way that we as individuals understand. There is only one path to His glorious kingdom but we all experience a different journey.

He is God and I am not! Amen.

Day 3

I am no longer in the belly of the fish but I really don't know why. I have a road ahead of me that God has laid out and I pray that I have the strength to stay on it.    There is a lesson for me to learn from this which I have learned.  A lesson of God's compassion, love (hesed), goodness and mercy.  I am not perfect and never will be.  I am a sinner and a sin, is a sin, is a sin. PERIOD

I look at Jonah and wonder how he missed it.  He was actually angry at God. He knew that God is a "gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Jonah 4:2)  Yet he was angry with God for showing the same love and compassion to the Ninevites as He did to Jonah.

I have been guilty of that in different ways and I hear people all the time who are as well. They say, "They call themselves Christians but they _______" None of us are perfect. We are all in a different place in our walk.  We are all sinners.  Anyone can point their finger and fill in that blank about us.  Being a Christian doesn't mean I do not sin, I should see sin more clearly and easily, but sometimes still step in it.  Walking away was my sin but anything that is against God's will is a sin.  If we don't ask God what He wants us to do, then we sin by default...we don't even care to ask.

Praise Lord that I have my God, my Jesus who washed away my sin with his own blood.  My God who describes himself in Exodus 33:19 as Goodness, Mercy and Compassion.   

I cannot use Him as an excuse to sin, but when I step in it He is there.  I have learned to have compassion for those who step into sin. I have learned to show mercy and love, not condemnation. More importantly, to feel the compassion and mercy in my heart.  To understand others heartache and not have a judgemental heart.  He is God and I am not.

I am breaking through to a new me, thank you Jesus!  One step at a time.

Father, what do you want me to do today?

Day 2

Today I woke feeling a little less refreshed and ready than yesterday.  I am having a difficult time getting out of this funk I am in. I have been through ups and downs in my life, in spirit and in the world. This time the spiritual  funk is a little deeper and I need extra work, extra time with God.

This morning I am back in Jonah and even more interested in the great fish that the Lord PROVIDED.  What a horrible nasty, smelly rotten place to be.  God provided protection to Jonah from the storm Jonah created by not obeying God.  But this protection was not an easy place to be.  Jonah had sinned and admitted his sin. When he admitted his sin and sacrificed himself to the storm he was protected but it still was not enough.    Jonah had to stay in the belly of a fish for 3 days and 3 nights.  He needed to do more than just admit his sin.  While he was in the fish he turned his eyes back to God, thanked Him and vowed he will make good.  He acknowledged God's grace even when Jonah walked in the opposite direction.

When Jonah was truly sorry and came back, God granted repentance and the fish vomited Jonah on to dry land.  Once again God gave Jonah  the opportunity to follow His will. This time Jonah obeyed .

Today I am in that fish.  Yes, I have His protection around me from the storm I caused in my heart, but what a smelly, nasty place to be.  I haven't done enough.  I realized and admit that I walked the opposite direction of God's will.  He gave me gifts to use to glorify His kingdom and I was selfish with them, I didn't allow myself to be used. I got in a rut of everything in this world coming before Him.  Until I am truly sorry, not just realize my wrong doing I will stay in this smelly place.  God is working on me.  I can feel it my soul. I know Him, love Him and trust Him. 

The rest of the book of Jonah is living in my heart.  I am amazed by God's love and compassion for the Ninevites.  I am amazed by Jonah's attitude once God showed the same compassion to the Ninevites that He showed to Jonah.  I hope that once God grants me repentance I do not fall into the trap that Jonah and so many of us fall into.

Today I am urgently calling on God. Repentance is coming and I will dwell in the belly of this fish as long as I need to be vomited onto dry land and given another opportunity to follow God's will.

But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth.

Let everyone call urgently on God.

Let them give up their evil ways and their violence.

Who knows?

God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger

so that we will not perish"

Jonah 3:8-9

Praising Him with all my heart and all my soul.  Thank you for your Word and for keeping me safe from my storm.

Day 1

This morning I woke up refreshed and ready for the day.  Praying before I sat up, giving my day to God.  My Bible, still open to one of my favorite verses:

 But the Lord said,

"You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend to it or make it grow.

 It sprang up overnight and died overnight."

Jonah 4:10

This is a great scripture.  God is so good at pointing out the obvious in my life.  I haven't tended to what He has given me.

Over the past year and a half my spiritual life has grown in leaps and bounds.  It started with Pastor asking me to give my testimony.  I was nervous and afraid.  There is no way I could do it not to mention I never imagined anyone would want to hear from me.  I just get up everyday and accept what the day brings me and get through it.  I obeyed God's calling and agreed whole heartedly to face my fears and uncertainty because God told me to do it. It was very freeing and opened a new world.  Just by being obedient I grew and grew.  It seemed as though every day I was growing closer to the Lord.  I was receiving huge spiritual gifts daily.  For the most part I fought them.  I knew they were there but used the excuse of not being worthy or not understanding what He wanted from me. 

24 Hour prayer in May 2011 changed me forever.  I was called to the altar and God showed me exactly what I needed to do.  Then I went privately to pray with a small group of God Fearing wonderful men and woman..I was slayed by the spirit.  I said YES YES YES and He released bountiful gifts on me.  There is no way to explain the joy, peace and contentment.   For some time I walked in that peace but somewhere reached a fork in the road and started wandering away and not tending to my vine.  The vine that God sprouted up just for me, to cover and shield me.  I let it begin to wither away.

Jonah's story is touching my life today.  The book of Jonah shows that God loves the whole world.  As a matter of fact Jonah means dove.  Dove is one of the only animals that lives EVERYWHERE in the world.  I think his story applies to me and my life but I also think at one point or another to varying degrees it applies to all of our lives. Now matter who you are or where on earth you live.

Jonah was told by God very specifically where to go and what to do, but he ran away. Disobeying God he went in the opposite direction of where he was told to go.  The Lord shook his world letting him know that he can't run away from God. The Lord shook Jonah's world so strongly that a pagan called Johan to prayer.  Jonah freely admitted that it was his choice to disobey that caused his world to be shaken.   His world shook and shook until there was no choice but to go back to the Lord. He was thrown into a raging sea.  But in that sea, God provided protection. 

It is amazing to me that even in walking away from God, He will continue to work for His glory.  The men on the ship believed that this was God creating this raging sea. They were shown God's great power and accepted Him as the true God and agreed to throw Jonah into the sea.  Jonah was in the middle of a horrible storm caused by walking away from God's directions and was given safety.  "The Lord PROVIDED a great fish to swallow Jonah".

When I walked in the wrong direction He threw me into a storm.  The storm was in my heart, an emotional storm.   There is not a day that I stopped loving or trusting Him, I just wasn't working on the relationship He wants for me. I was not using the gifts He so generously gave me.  He wants me, He wants all of us, to work for His glory.  I put everything before Him.   Today I pray the same prayer as Jonah:

"...When my life was ebbing away,

I remembered you, Lord,

 and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple."

"Those who cling to worthless idols

forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

But I, with a song of thanksgiving,

will sacrifice to you.

What I have vowed I will make good.

Salvation comes from the Lord."



Thank you God for throwing me into the storming sea!  It is not going to be an easy road but it is one I will travel with great joy and anticipation.

It's About Time

I have been so lost the last few weeks.  Lost in everything...except God.  I get up in the morning and start on work right away.  No time for coffee, no time for housework, no time for bills, no time for God.  I wake my daughter, back to work,  take her to school (unless it's not my turn) back to work. I feel like I am always working on something and never getting anything done.  I wish I could make time.

About a week ago my daughter started asking "What's wrong Mom?" or "Are You OK?".  "Yes, I'm good, I'm fine." I'd say.  Today she pointed out that I am becoming the dreaded facebook whiner.  Now that, I cannot have!  This is one of my biggest pet peeves.

God has blessed me beyond belief and I am becoming a facebook whiner.  I have the most amazing children, parents, brother, sister and church. A church that is filled with the most amazing brothers and sisters a person could ever hope to have. He gave me the opportunity to work from home so I can have more time with all of my families.  My blessings are like an iceburg with just the tip showing through the water but they go so very deep.  What do I have to whine about?

Over the past week or so I have been complaining that I am drowning, I am overwhelmed, I can't keep up, I need more time. I have been slipping into a depression, not eating, sleeping too much getting sick and giving up. 

It hit me while talking to one of the most amazing women I know who just happens to be part of my church.  I need to make time.  Time for Him.  Once I get back into making time for Him everything else will fall into place. 

Tomorrow is a new day and I praise God for that.  If He gives me tomorrow I will have 24 hours just like everyone else does.  It's all about priorities and giving Him the top spot on the to do list.  Make time for Him, the time He deserves and desires to spend with me.

August 20, 2011 I am beginning a new journey.  A journey led by God. I am getting back on the path He put me on.  I have stepped away, allowing everything in my life take priority over Him.  No more! I asked Him back, I turned around and there He was, arms wide open, full of grace.  For the first time in months, I cannot wait to see what He has for me tomorrow.  

I will be blogging my journey.  It is about time I use this blog for what He intended it to be.  It is about Him, not me.
Washing my hands tonight. A new day tomorrow, thank you Jesus!

God's Voice

Have you ever wondered what God's voice sounds like?  People have said that He doesn't speak audibly it's a feeling in your heart, it's the voice in your head that you just know to be true.  I think that anyone I have ever heard answer the question "How do you know God is speaking to you?" has had a different answer. I have heard Him speak, I have heard is voice.  That I know for certain...he once told me "Don't worry I've got you". Somehow that doesn't seem as amazing as when He works through the everyday experiences to let me know He really does have me.

I have had a horrible week.  Nothing in my world seems right.  I turn in every direction looking for joy in my heart and it just isn't there.  Yesterday I was walking through the grocery store and I couldn't concentrate on the task at hand.  Silent tears in the meat department.  Not a pretty sight.  I was using my phone to take notes so that I can plan the meals for the week.  I had a pretty good list going too, it was making me awfully  hungry.   At one point  I added a meal to my list and started looking for the ingredients.  The next time I looked at my list it had been replaced by another:

Bible Joy

Ps 16:11

I thought I might have somehow jumped to another note I was taking but had forgotten about.  I looked at the date and time it was entered.  Nope it was brand new.  How?!!  I had no idea until I read it.  Thank God for technology, I was able to look it up on my Bible App right then and there.  It was a message from my Daddy. 

"You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever."

Shouldn't knowing that we will have the pleasures of  living with Him forever be enough joy to sustain anyone?  I have to be honest, for me, it isn't as simple as that.  It takes work, reminding, time in the Word and in worship.  It takes being deliberate about being in His presence and it takes His gentle reminders like this one and many many more He has been showing me.  It takes His gentle whisper in my heart and the slight pressure of His hands on my back nudging me in the right direction.  It takes knowing that when I do walk in another direction all I have to do is turn around and His hands are there welcoming me back and ready to nudge me again and keep me safe from sorrow and from my own selfish mistakes.

God does speak audibly, I know it to be true.  I also know that He is God and I am not, He will speak to me in a way that only He knows I will understand.  He speaks to each of us in the way we need to hear it, not the way we want to hear it. 

Praise be to God!  He is good ALL THE TIME!