Yes

September of 2006 I was chosen to be on a jury of a murder trial.  I sat through that trial day in and day out.  At the end of October the judge gave us our instructions and let us leave for the day and we were to report bright and early the next moring to begin deliberations. 

That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam.  I reached up and put my hand right on a lump.  It is strange how many directions my mind can go.  I'd take my hand away,  try again and there it was, over and over again.  I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.  

The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office.  I was able to get in very early the next morning. 

I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face.   The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was.  When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face.  He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound.  This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine. 

I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities.  The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was.  When she felt  it she said, "hmmm" with  puzzled look on her face.  It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the  hmmms were for.  The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing.  It was a surprise to them that was actually something there.  The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.

I went to the ultrasound tech.  I thought finally, this is where I need to be.  The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.

WRONG!

The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you".  Gulp.

The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon.  He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is. 

The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab.  Finally, I got the call from the doctor.  My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone.  Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all."  They needed to take more tissue and it  may have spread to my lymph nodes.  I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.

Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer. 

Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class.  It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.

James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."

What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes".  There were three moments in time that came back to me today.

1.  The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person.  Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone.  Especially if you know my Dad.  When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine".  I said, "God's got it, this is out my control."  She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face.  She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it". 

2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors.  They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this.  I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about.  There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there.  God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith. 

3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break.  The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.."  She gave me the pity look.  I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me.  God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me. 

I knew like never before that God would take care of me.  I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on.  I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying.  I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.

I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God.  I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was.  BUT I had a child like faith and  my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul.   I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any.  I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted. 

Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him.  It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough.  I am at a place of  love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness?  I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1