It's been awhile since I've blogged. I have been learning a lesson on letting go.
A few months ago I thought I laid everything at His feet. I gave my daughter's lives to Him and stopped trying to fix everything. Every time I take a step forward on my walk of faith I seem to take a step back. Fortunately this time it was more like I stalled instead of moving backwards.
After laying it down and following instructions from a man that I trust is speaking God's words to "get in the driver's seat" I was tested again.
I was offered a new job, actually a career. When we got down to the all important money, I was frankly disappointed at best. No pay increase with a huge increase in responsiblilty from what I am doing now. I was ready to tell them not a chance but I decided not to. I needed to wait, think about it, pray on it and listen to what God wants for me. The next morning I woke with a new attitude. I was reminded that just days before, I was wishing for a job that had more flexibility so I can spend more time with my girls, spend more time with God, spend more time taking care of my home and be able to get in the driver's seat. Here it is, dropped right into my lap. Everything I asked for and then some. I get to work from home and make my own schedule. I took the step of faith and accepted the opportunity to be in the driver's seat and cannot wait see what God has in store for me.
The second test, and the biggest was putting my faith in God for my girls. My oldest who is 19 mentioned she was thinking of joining the Navy. I asked my bible study group to pray for her. What I was asking for was not my will, that she not leave me, but that what God wants in her life is where she is led. Last week she called me at work and happily announced that she had decided she is definitely joining. Even though I know it is best for my family, especially her, I lost it. I couldn't believe my reaction, I was bawling like a baby. Here I am asking for God's will when what I really wanted was my will. I am constantly asking to hear His voice. I try to so hard to hear Him, to just listen. This was a light bulb moment. I do hear, I just don't hear what I expect and not always what I want. This was the hard part of the test...listen to something I don't want to hear. Although it has been gradual, I am accepting her decision. As I type this she is taking her entry exam and preparing to choose her career path next week. Wow, my baby in the Navy. I couldn't be more proud of her courage and desire to better her life. That is the goal as a parent after all, to raise strong, independant loving people. I did it!
My prayers were answered and I passed the test, at least this portion of it. It is so much easier to put my faith in Him for my life than it is for their lives. I want so much more for my children than I want for me and feel like I have to get them where they need to go. The truth is God wants so much more for them than I can ever offer. I have to lay them at His feet, then the hard part, walk away and listen.
Psalm 66:8-10
Praise our God, all peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
What I Do Know
Today I woke up on the wrong side of bed. Before I even got up I was running late, I went down stairs and the coffee didn't brew, I was upset from the night before and couldn't come up with one kind thought. I didn't even want to be around me, how was I going to get through the day?
I turned on my favorite radio station and someone was talking about praying for others and when he does he realizes how blessed he is. I was immediately convicted. All morning the only thing on my mind was poor me, nothing is going right. Instead of thanking God for what He has given me (I was driving my SUV to the job I love so that I can pay for the home that He is allowing me to live in at this point of my life) I was whining.
My problems were so small, especially in comparison to what my life once was. Once I had cancer, once I lost a child. I really don't understand why horrible things happen some times. I do know that when they do my Father hurts for me. I do know something good will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS come from of it. I do know that there is a God that loves me. I do know that He will do anything to save me. I know this because He loved me enough to send his son for me. I can't even imagine allowing one of my children to be hurt, let alone the sufferings and torturous death that Jesus went through. God sent His son to pay the price for me. A son that willingly gave his life for me, whose blood has washed away all my sins and has made me pure.
There are many things I don't understand but I thank God for what I do understand.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I turned on my favorite radio station and someone was talking about praying for others and when he does he realizes how blessed he is. I was immediately convicted. All morning the only thing on my mind was poor me, nothing is going right. Instead of thanking God for what He has given me (I was driving my SUV to the job I love so that I can pay for the home that He is allowing me to live in at this point of my life) I was whining.
My problems were so small, especially in comparison to what my life once was. Once I had cancer, once I lost a child. I really don't understand why horrible things happen some times. I do know that when they do my Father hurts for me. I do know something good will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS come from of it. I do know that there is a God that loves me. I do know that He will do anything to save me. I know this because He loved me enough to send his son for me. I can't even imagine allowing one of my children to be hurt, let alone the sufferings and torturous death that Jesus went through. God sent His son to pay the price for me. A son that willingly gave his life for me, whose blood has washed away all my sins and has made me pure.
There are many things I don't understand but I thank God for what I do understand.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Monday, April 4, 2011
Why?
Since Sunday morning the same question has been on my mind...Why?
For weeks we have been going through the Book of Revelation. While Pastor was talking about Jesus himself having blood on his robe and locking Satan away for 1,000 years I started asking why. Why did God create us the way He did? If He created us to have a relationship, why did He create us with free will? He knew that some of us would turn away from Him, He knew that in the end Jesus would have to come back and rid the world of evil. If He knew we would turn away and this beautiful, horrible day would come why wouldn't He just create a playmate, a friend, a companion? We could all just live in Eden forever without a care, walking in the garden along side God.
Why? It is all about relationship. The awesome relationship that we were created for. There is no foundation for a relationship if you are in it because you have to be or you are supposed to be. Where is the joy in that? The ones in your life that you can't wait to see; your spouse, parents, friends, children. These are the ones you go to in times of sorrow and in times of joy. You have a desire to share the most intimate details of your life with that one person that makes your heart jump. When we have that desire for God we have the cornerstone of a relationship that doesn't compare to anything this side of Heaven.
On this walk I have shared some amazing and sorrowful times with my Father. He has walked with me during the most joyful times of my life. During the greatest blessings of my life, while I was holding my babies for the first time, He was holding me. He also held me through the worst times. When my husband lost his job and we didn't know where our house payment was going to come from our how we were going to buy groceries. He held me when our oldest daughter died just after her 20th birthday. He held me when I was diagnosed with cancer and through the process of kicking cancer's butt. He held me when the bank was threatening to take my home.
These trials are what create a bond, a relationship that is worth working on. I spent many years trying to handle it all and be everything to everyone. The amazing thing is that when I took that first step He was waiting there for me, because I am the one that makes his heart jump. When we are bumped our true selves come out. I have found that my true self is a child of God. I want to belong to Him because He loves me enough to be my everything and that makes my heart jump.
Romans 5:3-5
"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
For weeks we have been going through the Book of Revelation. While Pastor was talking about Jesus himself having blood on his robe and locking Satan away for 1,000 years I started asking why. Why did God create us the way He did? If He created us to have a relationship, why did He create us with free will? He knew that some of us would turn away from Him, He knew that in the end Jesus would have to come back and rid the world of evil. If He knew we would turn away and this beautiful, horrible day would come why wouldn't He just create a playmate, a friend, a companion? We could all just live in Eden forever without a care, walking in the garden along side God.
Why? It is all about relationship. The awesome relationship that we were created for. There is no foundation for a relationship if you are in it because you have to be or you are supposed to be. Where is the joy in that? The ones in your life that you can't wait to see; your spouse, parents, friends, children. These are the ones you go to in times of sorrow and in times of joy. You have a desire to share the most intimate details of your life with that one person that makes your heart jump. When we have that desire for God we have the cornerstone of a relationship that doesn't compare to anything this side of Heaven.
On this walk I have shared some amazing and sorrowful times with my Father. He has walked with me during the most joyful times of my life. During the greatest blessings of my life, while I was holding my babies for the first time, He was holding me. He also held me through the worst times. When my husband lost his job and we didn't know where our house payment was going to come from our how we were going to buy groceries. He held me when our oldest daughter died just after her 20th birthday. He held me when I was diagnosed with cancer and through the process of kicking cancer's butt. He held me when the bank was threatening to take my home.
These trials are what create a bond, a relationship that is worth working on. I spent many years trying to handle it all and be everything to everyone. The amazing thing is that when I took that first step He was waiting there for me, because I am the one that makes his heart jump. When we are bumped our true selves come out. I have found that my true self is a child of God. I want to belong to Him because He loves me enough to be my everything and that makes my heart jump.
Romans 5:3-5
"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship
I am walking in faith, on a path that I did not choose nor do I understand. I have been searching for my purpose and everytime I get a glimpse of what that might be I close my eyes and walk away.
Last week I was struggling. God had blessed me beyond anything I deserve. Yet, I still went looking for comfort in the wrong places. We can look for comfort in something as innocent as buying a new dress that makes us feel pretty, but we are never satisifed until we find the relationship we were made for.
I have an hour plus commute each morning which gives me a lot of time to think. Usually thinking myself out of things. Last week I decided that I would make the most of my commute and have quiet time with God. It was easy to turn off the radio, not so easy to turn off my head. But once I did, God put in on my heart to share my walk in this format. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not an easy task for me, but I decdied that I needed to stop listening to myself and start listening to Him. Even as write today, I struggle with questions. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Where do I begin? Where did my walk start and when did I take my first real step?
I always thought that because I knew of Jesus and wanted to be a good girl I was a Christian. I suppose that since I knew in my heart that Jesus was the way to Heaven I was. But truthfully the first step I took was when I decided I needed a relationship with my creator. It took many years to get to that point and those years were filled with struggles that I will talk about in later posts. The night the greatest relationship of my life began is truly MY beginning. Before then I was going to church regulary, taking my girls with me as often as I could get them to go. I loved being there, it felt great. The music made me feel good and I always learned something new during the sermon. I realize now that I was just playing church.
The tensions had built in my home to the point my teenage daughter was struggling. She has always been a great kid, never in any trouble and always a joy to be around but at home she felt safe to unload. She couldn't handle what our life had become, cried most of the time, and didn't see any hope for joy. Inside she was hurting and I see now that I was not helping her to handle the stresses. I myself was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety that not even my closest friends could see the affects on my life. This night in particular her emotions were out of control. I don't remember what I said to her but I hurt her. Instead of calming her and helping her, I hurt her to the point she left the house. I still have trouble forgiving myself for my sharp tongue, but God has forgiven me. It was about 2:00am and I was driving around town looking for my daughter. Everything hit me all at once. The past several years of my life came crashing down. I couldn't take any more, I was broken.
This is when I took my first step as a Christian woman. I looked to God for help. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A true friendship, full of love and grace. A friend that is with me for eternity never questioning if I am good enough. I pulled over, parked my car and let it all out. I gave my life to God, pleaded with Him to take my burdens and carry them for me. I have never cried so hard in all of my life. Once I let it go, I was able have peace that my daughter would be okay. I turned the car around went home and sat patiently waiting for her return. She got home safe and sound and I thanked God for His blessings before going to bed.
Ps 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Last week I was struggling. God had blessed me beyond anything I deserve. Yet, I still went looking for comfort in the wrong places. We can look for comfort in something as innocent as buying a new dress that makes us feel pretty, but we are never satisifed until we find the relationship we were made for.
I have an hour plus commute each morning which gives me a lot of time to think. Usually thinking myself out of things. Last week I decided that I would make the most of my commute and have quiet time with God. It was easy to turn off the radio, not so easy to turn off my head. But once I did, God put in on my heart to share my walk in this format. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not an easy task for me, but I decdied that I needed to stop listening to myself and start listening to Him. Even as write today, I struggle with questions. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Where do I begin? Where did my walk start and when did I take my first real step?
I always thought that because I knew of Jesus and wanted to be a good girl I was a Christian. I suppose that since I knew in my heart that Jesus was the way to Heaven I was. But truthfully the first step I took was when I decided I needed a relationship with my creator. It took many years to get to that point and those years were filled with struggles that I will talk about in later posts. The night the greatest relationship of my life began is truly MY beginning. Before then I was going to church regulary, taking my girls with me as often as I could get them to go. I loved being there, it felt great. The music made me feel good and I always learned something new during the sermon. I realize now that I was just playing church.
The tensions had built in my home to the point my teenage daughter was struggling. She has always been a great kid, never in any trouble and always a joy to be around but at home she felt safe to unload. She couldn't handle what our life had become, cried most of the time, and didn't see any hope for joy. Inside she was hurting and I see now that I was not helping her to handle the stresses. I myself was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety that not even my closest friends could see the affects on my life. This night in particular her emotions were out of control. I don't remember what I said to her but I hurt her. Instead of calming her and helping her, I hurt her to the point she left the house. I still have trouble forgiving myself for my sharp tongue, but God has forgiven me. It was about 2:00am and I was driving around town looking for my daughter. Everything hit me all at once. The past several years of my life came crashing down. I couldn't take any more, I was broken.
This is when I took my first step as a Christian woman. I looked to God for help. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A true friendship, full of love and grace. A friend that is with me for eternity never questioning if I am good enough. I pulled over, parked my car and let it all out. I gave my life to God, pleaded with Him to take my burdens and carry them for me. I have never cried so hard in all of my life. Once I let it go, I was able have peace that my daughter would be okay. I turned the car around went home and sat patiently waiting for her return. She got home safe and sound and I thanked God for His blessings before going to bed.
Ps 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning."
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