I am walking in faith, on a path that I did not choose nor do I understand. I have been searching for my purpose and everytime I get a glimpse of what that might be I close my eyes and walk away.
Last week I was struggling. God had blessed me beyond anything I deserve. Yet, I still went looking for comfort in the wrong places. We can look for comfort in something as innocent as buying a new dress that makes us feel pretty, but we are never satisifed until we find the relationship we were made for.
I have an hour plus commute each morning which gives me a lot of time to think. Usually thinking myself out of things. Last week I decided that I would make the most of my commute and have quiet time with God. It was easy to turn off the radio, not so easy to turn off my head. But once I did, God put in on my heart to share my walk in this format. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not an easy task for me, but I decdied that I needed to stop listening to myself and start listening to Him. Even as write today, I struggle with questions. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Where do I begin? Where did my walk start and when did I take my first real step?
I always thought that because I knew of Jesus and wanted to be a good girl I was a Christian. I suppose that since I knew in my heart that Jesus was the way to Heaven I was. But truthfully the first step I took was when I decided I needed a relationship with my creator. It took many years to get to that point and those years were filled with struggles that I will talk about in later posts. The night the greatest relationship of my life began is truly MY beginning. Before then I was going to church regulary, taking my girls with me as often as I could get them to go. I loved being there, it felt great. The music made me feel good and I always learned something new during the sermon. I realize now that I was just playing church.
The tensions had built in my home to the point my teenage daughter was struggling. She has always been a great kid, never in any trouble and always a joy to be around but at home she felt safe to unload. She couldn't handle what our life had become, cried most of the time, and didn't see any hope for joy. Inside she was hurting and I see now that I was not helping her to handle the stresses. I myself was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety that not even my closest friends could see the affects on my life. This night in particular her emotions were out of control. I don't remember what I said to her but I hurt her. Instead of calming her and helping her, I hurt her to the point she left the house. I still have trouble forgiving myself for my sharp tongue, but God has forgiven me. It was about 2:00am and I was driving around town looking for my daughter. Everything hit me all at once. The past several years of my life came crashing down. I couldn't take any more, I was broken.
This is when I took my first step as a Christian woman. I looked to God for help. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A true friendship, full of love and grace. A friend that is with me for eternity never questioning if I am good enough. I pulled over, parked my car and let it all out. I gave my life to God, pleaded with Him to take my burdens and carry them for me. I have never cried so hard in all of my life. Once I let it go, I was able have peace that my daughter would be okay. I turned the car around went home and sat patiently waiting for her return. She got home safe and sound and I thanked God for His blessings before going to bed.
Ps 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning."
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