Words

Give it All to Him.

Lay it at His Feet.

Walk in Faith.

Praise Him Always, Even in Times of Trouble.

What in the world does all this mean? It sounds like a list of great "Christian" things to say. As Christians we have so many of these words of wisdom, cute little sayings that make us feel good.  We say these things to those searching for help, needing so desperately to feel better, to hear from Him, to understand.  Then we walk away feeling good about ourselves but have we helped at all?  

I have watched people fall to their knees, myself included, completely broken, crying until it seems as though their tears have dried up.  We stand to our feet and believe with all of our hearts that we have given it all to Him.  We layed it at His feet and will now walk in faith.  We will continue to praise His name, no matter what, for the rest of our days.  I have said these words of wisdom countless times to myself, to other Christians, to those trying to follow the path to His glory and to those who do not know Him at all.  Have I helped any of them?  Have I shone any light in their direction?  I  believe in some ways God has used me to show His light, but I also believe I have not allowed it enough. Until we walk the talk, what good are all of these cute little sayings?   Yes, they may plant a seed, but until we firmly grasp what it is we are saying I believe they are just words crossing our lips.

This week I learned a valuable lesson.  Thank you Jesus.  A friend is going through some hard times and I found myself saying the usual things.  "Praise Him, no matter what, it makes all the difference in the world."  He said he wants to, he is trying to, but all he could do was cry out to Him.  I tell him the same things I have told myself countless times.  "You really have to give it to Him, lay it at His feet and then walk in it."  He asked the same questions I had asked myself, "How?"  It took me a very long time to understand that giving it to Him doesn't mean that I can now sit back, kick my feet up and wait for the manna to fall from the sky.  It is so hard to grasp, but I thought that I had and that I was walking in faith. I did get it, I did understand but I wasn't completely walking in it.  I know that now.

I have had a decade of financial problems.  I have spoken several times about my past and how I got to where I am now.  I feel like I get one step in the right direction and then bam, something else hits.  I got so good at giving it all to Him that I just didn't do anything about it.

Since our fast I have been trying to get back into taking control of the things He has given me to take care of.  But it didn't click until this week. I want to be a better me, all of me: body, mind and soul.  I have to get my finances in order and one of the things that needed to be taken care of is the filing of my taxes.  I had to file two years of taxes.  The hope was that we would get enough to pay my property taxes. But, while getting all the paperwork together I started doing a little math and worry set it.  Just a little, but it was there, creeping in, whispering in my ear.  I had to stop and tell myself that even if I do have to pay God will take care of me, don't worry, it's just money after all.  I happily went to the tax preparers office, handed over my paperwork and was told for the first year we owed a lot of money.  More than I have for sure.  Then the second year's was done and I owe twice as much for that year.  I started to sweat I got nervous and anxious then got a text.  A text from the friend I was just talking to the day before.  "Hello my friend, doing much better today."  Wow, that snapped me back in to reality very quickly.  His timing never ceases to amaze me! I just told my friend to walk in faith, give it to Him, praise Him and let Him take care of you.  Those words came back to me like sledge hammer.  Thank you Jesus!

I walked out of their so full of joy!  I can't believe how happy I am that I owe the IRS.  How can I be happy about this?  How can I sing His praises?  I gave it to Him and now I am not worried about how I am going to buy food, I am worried about how to claim the correct number of dependents.  I am not worried about how to pay my property taxes because my mortgage company called and they are taking care of that too.   This has been one of the happiest and most productive weeks in a very long time.   I can't even count the blessings that having to pay this money has given me but here are a few:

1. He has shown me that just because I give it to Him doesn't mean it is going to be easy.  It doesn't mean it's all going to be roses and sunshine it means that I will get through it and come out better on the other side than I could have ever imagined on my own.
2. He has given me the real understanding of these things I speak to others so that I can walk the talk.
3. I get to be an even brighter light in my home.  As I mentioned before, it is not easy to be married to a spouse with no relationship with Jesus or a desire for one.  I am not saying that it wouldn't be easier to have someone by my side that would praise His glorious name but I get to be the light. Through the tough patches I get to be my husband's glimmer of  Jesus and what our Daddy will do for His precious children.  I get to have joy in what he looks at as another hurdle to jump.
4. This time it is about money, other times it has been health. Who knows what the future will hold but I have learned the true meaning of walking in faith.
5. Once again, my Daddy has allowed me to climb up in His lap and get the comfort and assurance that only a Father can give.

Thank you Jesus for the lighting my path, even in the darkest of days and for loving me through it all.

Time to Get Raw

It's time I change things up a bit. When this blog came into being I began it with the intention of being anonymous.  I felt that God wanted me to share many details of my life because there were women that my story might touch. The reason to keep it anonymous was for my family, mostly my husband.  It may take me a bit to open up but once I do I am an open book and will share in detail my life, my feelings, my beliefs etc. but I don't feel I have the right to share the personal lives of others. 

Recently God has revealed the truth to me like He always does when I get quiet enough to listen.   I believe with all my heart that women like myself need someone to relate to.  This year I will be celebrating 24 years of marriage with a man that has no relationship with our Father.  This puts every trial on a much grander scale because we do not look at solutions in the same way.  We do not go to the same place for help, guidance, reassurance, love etc.  Every decision, no matter how big or small can be divisive. 

I finally understand that sharing this is not a slam, it is not gossip, it is not sharing something personal about him.  The truth is that God gave us freedom to choose. My husband chose one path and I chose another.  It does not make him any less in God's eyes or me any more.  It is a matter of free will.  I hope and pray that some day he will want to know more and long to see His daddy's face just as I do.  But that must be his decision.

I began this site with other women in mind.  I have written the words that  God has put on my heart but it is time to get to the real stuff.  I am not sure what it is going to look like or what God will have me share.  I don't know how personal I will be getting but I do know that I have to get raw. I have to let it out there for others to see. Others need to see the struggles of a relationship that is not built on a strong cornerstone.  I no longer see it as the private life of another it is just life. 

My hope is to open a dialog and that this site can be used for nothing but the glory of God. To show his grace and wisdom and help each other work through all of our struggles with the experiences of our Christian family.

Thank you Jesus for being the truth the light and the way. 


 

Faith Takes Practice

My life is far from what one would call perfect.  We all have our trials and I am no exception.  I used to wish that life would become boring. I had enough excitement to last a life time.  Now I am a grateful for the trials I have gone through more than I wish they had never existed. Without these trials in my life I would not have the faith I have now.  I have my moments of doubt and worry but nothing like before.

Through the years of financial difficulties I worried my way through.  I knew that God would provide for me and he proved it over and over again.  Still I worried. Through trials of illness and death of several loved ones, I worried.  I worried so much that it affected me physically.  I was constantly tired, depressed and worst of all ended up with a life threatening illness.  All the while I knew He would take care of me and every step of the way He did.  I would sing His praises to all that would listen but as soon as the grocery money ran dry or I didn't know how I was going to pay that bill or buy something my children needed I worried.  He would provide, I would praise His name and then I would worry.  The cycle went on for years.

I used to ask what it was I was supposed to learn.  "Please God tell me."  Until finally I stopped trying to learn.  Here I sit 11 years after our financial struggles began, 9 years after the death of our daughter, 5 years clean of cancer typing this and God has revealed to me what it is that I was supposed to learn. Faith takes practice.   I thought this blog came to me for another but it was for me.  Thank you Jesus! I am blown away by His perfect timing and grace.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does. -  James 1:1-8

Thank you God for the trials that have tested my faith and developed my perseverance.  My faith is stronger today than ever before.  Faith is not just something I know it is something that has saturated me heart, mind and soul.

If I could go back and do things differently I would.  If I could snap my fingers and have my daughter here with my grandchildren playing at my feet; if I could snap my fingers and have all my financial troubles be just a bad dream; if I could snap my fingers and never have had illness touch me or my family...SNAP, SNAP and SNAP.  Believe me I would choose a different path.  But I could not be more grateful for every day of my life.  Every breath I have taken has been a blessing.  I have lived through the trials for a reason...to persevere, grow my faith and PRAISE HIS NAME.

I have faith that my girl is dancing with the angels, Jesus told me so.  I have faith that no matter how much money I have or don't have it doesn't matter.  He is more valuable than the finest gold.  I have faith that no matter my health situation,  I will be completely healed on one side of heaven or the other.  I have faith that no matter what happens in my life He will provide. 

Thank you for the good times and the bad, it has made me who I am and given me the greatest gift.  I may have moments of weakness but I will also have the gift of unyielding faith. 

Father, I thank you for your trials.  I now ask in belief without doubt.  I do not want to be like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind and I ask for continued strength to stand firm in your promises.  I praise you and thank you for your grace and perfect timing.  In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Freedom in Conviction

Tuesday night my daughter and I went to the mall to get her some things for her new endeavor...track.  She is following in her mommy's footsteps so I had to miss prayer night to take her...what could be more important?

We were walking down the center of the mall and noticed a gentleman sitting on a bench, looking trapped by the two men towering over him, papers in hand obviously "discipling".  My daughter was the first to notice and told me that she was upset by this and felt sorry for the poor man on the bench.  We both felt this was no way to speak the love of Christ.  As we passed by we both felt a sense of frustration.  How do we save this poor guy from what we perceived as being guilted into salvation? We didn't stop we just kept walking.

We did a little shopping and went back through the mall the same route we took just a few minutes before.  This time there were two young women on the same bench sitting down, looking like they had absolutely no interest in what they were hearing.  Two men towered over them, not giving them any room to get away even if they wanted to.  This time we were both appalled by their behavior.

We walked a hundred yards or so talking about whether or not we should go back and put a stop to this.  This is NOT the love of Jesus shining through.  We talked about it and decided to turn back.  We were going to be their much needed saviors.  I thought about stopping to get a cape but that would just take too much time. Besides there are no more super hero dressing rooms, aka phone booths.

On the way back my daughter looked at me, happy that I was going to do something about this.  Then a scripture I had just spoken about in church on Sunday spoke to my heart.

"And he said to me, 'Son of man, listen carefully and take to heart all the words I speak to you.  Go now to your country men in exile and speak to them. Say to them 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says, whether they listen or fail to listen" 

Ezekiel 3:10-11 

Although I continued to walk towards the bench with my daughter looking at me like "go get 'em Mom" and saying to me, "This is going to be awesome."  I had to pause and tell her that I wanted to hear what the young men had to say because God said to tell people whether they listen or not.  If these young men believe God is telling them to do this, then who are we to get in the way?

But still pride drove me.  I stood behind these disciples' back and asked the girls if they needed help to "get away".  They said the were fine but I wasn't so convinced.  My daughter and I took up residence on the bench behind them.  We could hear everything that was being said but our backs were to them.  The girls had absolutely no interest in salvation, did not understand the concept of grace or repentance and in my mind these young men were not teaching them correctly.  (Oh how pride can be so hurtful.)  We left without saying a word and I have no idea whatever happened with the two girls.  I do pray that a seed was planted.

Last Sunday we broke our corporate fast and I am ashamed to say I have not spent any time in the Word since then.  Until this morning.  I wasn't sure where to go or what to read, nothing really jumped out at me.  I closed my bible and sat for a minute or two listening to worship.  While trying to clear my thoughts and just listen, the thought of those young men discipling at the mall came to mind.  I opened my bible and landed on Philippians 1:15-18.

"It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill.  The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel.  The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.  But what does it matter?  The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached.  And because of this I rejoice."

Paul said it perfectly, "What does it matter?"  It is like there is no such thing as bad publicity.  Declare His name, share His love and victory, it really doesn't matter how we say it, how we do it, it matters THAT we do it.  God will use this for His glory even if our selfish pride and ambition get in our own way.   Even more than that in Ezekiel God told us to spread the Word:

"When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you  accountable for his blood.  But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself."

Ezekiel 3:18-19

This morning I was convicted and freed. 

I was convicted for my pride.  God is so good he used my hand to open His Word to just the right lesson.  This is the God I know, a gracious teacher. 

There is much freedom in  knowing that the important thing is sharing.  It was more important for those young men to speak about Christ no matter what their true motives were than to sit idly by and do nothing.  (By the way, I am not trying to decipher their motives nor would I.  God knows their hearts.)  I have always held back because I don't know that what I have to say will make sense, or that I what I have to say isn't as important as what someone else has to say.  I may not know my scripture like the back of my hand and I need to know it all so I can have answers.   Truth is truth is truth and anything keeping me from speaking truth is pride.  It is freeing to understand that it does not matter if anyone listens, what matters is that when God feeds you his words, speak them.

I do not want my selfish pride to get in the way.  God is very clear, if I make Him about me, about how I look, my treasures will be left here when I go home. 

Thank you God for the gifts of a soft heart and a strong head so I can speak your truth.  You have given me the path to follow so that my treasures will be waiting for me in heaven when my groom takes me home.  In the glorious, mighty name of Jesus, AMEN!