It has been way too long since I blogged anything. I have been so wrapped up in the world that I haven't had time to blog. The truth is that I haven't made the time. Over the past several days God has been tugging at my heart giving me words to share and I have just sat here silently. I know that this does not make my Daddy happy. My prayer today is that I don't stop. I open my mouth and He fills it. Then I pour it out to whoever is supposed to hear.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am a ponderer. I sit silently in church, I sit silently in our small group then I get home and think for a week and figure it all out and keep it to myself. In our small group we have been reading the book The God Chasers. Last week we hit on something that has been on my mind all week and this morning I hit on something that got me so riled up I have been talking to myself about it for at least an hour.
So where do I begin?
I think I will start with this mornings revelation that actually began at Sunday's church service when we were giving our tithes and offerings. It hit me that we constantly say and are told to give, to tithe and He will bless us for it. The truth is tithing, giving IS the blessing. We are blessed to have it to give, we are blessed to be a small part of watering a seed with what God has passed through our hands, we are blessed to be in church without fear... One line hit me hard this morning as I read The God Chasers..."We have managed to turn what we erroneously call 'church' into a big 'bless me club' where we sign up for this blessing and that blessing." Wow, how true! How do we not get what the writer was expressing to the Christian Jews in the book of Hebrews. He was saying then what we are still learning today. We can not earn it, it has been given to us already. Today it is just eating at me, we ask and ask and ask for blessings. We pray for them over and over again. We come expecting blessings but do we ever come expecting Him? The truth is that we have the blessing of all blessing. He died for us, He died for me. His death gave us freedom, joy and comfort. He has given us our every need and all the power of Jesus himself. All blessings are sitting there, right in front of us, all we have to do is reach for them, stop sitting and waiting for them to fall upon us because of something we have done or just because we ask. Unfortunately, most of us fill our hands with so many worldly things that we can't grab what is rightfully ours. It's time to drop everything and reach for what He has layed down in front of us for the taking. All we need is Him. Personally I have to stop telling myself that I am not worthy. Of course I am not, who is? But the blessing is He graciously gave it to me any way. Thank you Jesus!
Last week we were talking about the living water. We were talking about going deep, ankle deep, knee deep, thigh deep etc. The writer commented that the water should be the shallowest at the altar. I have to be honest I wasn't wrapping my head around that. My pondering went a little differently this time. I had pictures flashing in my mind. I was in the deepest part of a huge lake. I was soaked, wet from head to toe. Then I was suddenly floating on top of the water. It was so still, the sun was shining on me and I was just relaxing in the stillness. Next I was standing, looking down at my feet, toes in the water at the shore. I was noticing the movement of the water. It just kept moving in and out. I realized that the deepest part of the water is the calmest and most serene. The movement is at the shallowest point, at the shore. Is this what the writer meant about the water being the shallowest at that altar? I think so. I think the altar is where the movement takes place. I have been praying for clarity on this all week and I think I have it. At least I have what I am supposed to get out of it. When we go deep and soak in the river of life and float on it's majesty we will eventually end up back at the shore. The water always circulates to the shore. We show up at the shore, the altar, filled with the Holy Spirit, refreshed. We create a larger coast line, keeping it moving so others want to go deep. They see what's going on in the shallow end and want more, more, more, deeper, deeper, deeper until they are eventually swept back to altar. It is all a cycle, there is constant movement, we sit at the altar and get swept back into the stillness of the deep until we come crashing into the altar again so that we can share what we have experienced and die a little more.
I feel like we are praying for a tsunami and it is coming! It starts miles away, building strength. It begins with a shake in the deep but we can't see it from the surface until the unstoppable power explodes at the shoreline. A little shake in the deep builds momentum and ends up with a huge explosion at the altar.
The deep cries out and I praise the Lord!
Thank you Ana for your blessings. You have shaken me back into a place I left months ago and it feels so good to be back.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Yes
September of 2006 I was chosen to be on a jury of a murder trial. I sat through that trial day in and day out. At the end of October the judge gave us our instructions and let us leave for the day and we were to report bright and early the next moring to begin deliberations.
That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam. I reached up and put my hand right on a lump. It is strange how many directions my mind can go. I'd take my hand away, try again and there it was, over and over again. I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.
The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office. I was able to get in very early the next morning.
I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face. The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was. When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face. He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound. This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine.
I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities. The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was. When she felt it she said, "hmmm" with puzzled look on her face. It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the hmmms were for. The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing. It was a surprise to them that was actually something there. The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.
I went to the ultrasound tech. I thought finally, this is where I need to be. The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.
WRONG!
The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you". Gulp.
The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon. He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is.
The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab. Finally, I got the call from the doctor. My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone. Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all." They needed to take more tissue and it may have spread to my lymph nodes. I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.
Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer.
Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class. It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.
James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."
What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes". There were three moments in time that came back to me today.
1. The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person. Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone. Especially if you know my Dad. When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine". I said, "God's got it, this is out my control." She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it".
2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors. They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this. I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there. God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith.
3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break. The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.." She gave me the pity look. I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me. God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me.
I knew like never before that God would take care of me. I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on. I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying. I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.
I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God. I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was. BUT I had a child like faith and my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul. I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any. I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted.
Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him. It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough. I am at a place of love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness? I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
That night, I was getting ready for bed, deep in thought of the decision that lie ahead of me and the other jurors. I was bent over in my closet taking off my shoes and a voice inside my head told me to do a breast exam. I reached up and put my hand right on a lump. It is strange how many directions my mind can go. I'd take my hand away, try again and there it was, over and over again. I had to go get this checked but I had a huge responsibility on my shoulders.
The next morning I left early, got to the courthouse as instructed and before entering I sat in my car and made a call to the doctor's office. I was able to get in very early the next morning.
I showed the nurse where the lump was when she felt it she said, "hmmm" with a puzzled look on her face. The doctor came in and wanted to know where the lump was. When he felt it, he said , "hmmm" with a puzzled look on his face. He said it felt like a cyst, he would schedule me for a mamogram and an ultrasound. This will no doubt prove his diagnosis, they would aspirate the cyst and I would be fine.
I scheduled my mamogram around my juror responsibilities. The first thing the mamographer wanted to know was where the lump was. When she felt it she said, "hmmm" with puzzled look on her face. It was driving me crazy! I finally asked what all the hmmms were for. The mamographer said that typically when a woman comes in feeling a lump, there is nothing. It was a surprise to them that was actually something there. The mamogram didn't show a thing, NOTHING, but it was there, everyone could feel it.
I went to the ultrasound tech. I thought finally, this is where I need to be. The tech will see the lump, the doctor will confirm that it is a cyst and I will have it aspirated and all will be well in my world.
WRONG!
The tech called another tech in, they both looked at me with pity and in unison said, "Your doctor will contact you". Gulp.
The doctor called that day to refer me to a surgeon. He said that it may be a cyst ,they have no idea but the truth is since they don't know it is better to take it out and then figure out what it is.
The surgery was scheduled, it went well, the surgeon said it looked like a non-cancerous growth and I would hear from him as soon as the results came back from the lab. Finally, I got the call from the doctor. My husband and children were out Christmas shopping for me, I was home alone. Just days before Christmas the diagnosis was in: "cancer and we didn't get it all." They needed to take more tissue and it may have spread to my lymph nodes. I would have to have surgery after the new year to find out my future.
Here I was 40 years old, diagnosed with cancer.
Today I was thrown back into this memory because of a scripture we discussed in our adult class. It was once again a reminder of how scripture can take me to so many places. It isn't what was meant in this scripture but it brought me back to the childlike faith I had.
James 5: 12 "...Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No' be no..."
What this brought me to was how my absolute unshakable faith in that situation was my "Yes". There were three moments in time that came back to me today.
1. The day I was diagnosed, I drove to my parents house to tell them in person. Telling someone that there daughter has cancer is just something that shouldn't be done over the phone. Especially if you know my Dad. When I got there, my sister-in-law, who I had already told was there. She asked me how I was and I said, "Fine". I said, "God's got it, this is out my control." She looked at me with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She said, "I am so happy to hear you say that, you need to have faith and I see you really do mean it".
2. I walked outside and my husband was accross the street talking to my neighbors. They called me over and with the pitiful look that I quickly got tired of seeing, asked me how I was doing. With a big smile I said, "Good!" My neighbor looked at my husband in amazement and he said, "See! I can't beleive how she is handling this. I would be curled up in a ball on the couch and she is just fine." I told them that I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing I could do about it, the cancer is there. God will take care of me and of that I truly had no doubt. They were just amazed at my faith.
3. I went back to work at the school after Christmas break. The secretary asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am good.." She gave me the pity look. I again said, "I really am good, I am great, there is nothing that I can do about the cancer except what the doctors tell me. God is the only one that can take care of me and He will." She with surprise said that she beleived me and that she could tell I had a peace about me.
I knew like never before that God would take care of me. I didn't however know what side of Heaven I was going to end up on. I remember vividly driving home from my parents house on Christmas Eve, trying so hard not to let my family see me crying. I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know if I just celebrated my last Christmas with my parents or if the next morning would be the last time I see the magic of Christmas morning on my children's faces.
I was at a point in my life where I knew of Jesus, I knew of God. I look back now and see that I did not have a relationship with Him, I just knew who He was. BUT I had a child like faith and my Yes was Yes. I meant it heart and soul. I don't know the true impact my Yes made in any of their lives if any. I would like to believe that if nothing else a seed was planted.
Now I have a relationship I know Him not just know of Him. It is a wonderful place to be but I wonder sometimes if I share my Yeses enough. I am at a place of love and awe for my Daddy but am I still in that place of faithfulness? I don't know, I want to say yes, but I don't know.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 4
I have been sitting here, forcing words...typing, deleting, typing, deleting. Finally sitting back, closing my eyes, asking God for guidance.
The truth is if I have to work this hard, it has become about me, not about Him.
God spoke to me through the book of Jonah like He never has before. I have learned so many lessons this week:
The truth is if I have to work this hard, it has become about me, not about Him.
God spoke to me through the book of Jonah like He never has before. I have learned so many lessons this week:
Humility
Grace
Forgiveness
Love
Compassion
Repentance
Patience
Kindness
Selflessness
I have also learned that this book has spoken to me in this way but may have completely different lessons for someone else. I may look at the lesson of the vine completely different than someone else. I may look at the fish swallowing Jonah in a different light than others, I may have it all wrong in the eyes of some.
This is the beauty of God's Word. It speaks to us all in the way that we as individuals understand. There is only one path to His glorious kingdom but we all experience a different journey.
He is God and I am not! Amen.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 3
I am no longer in the belly of the fish but I really don't know why. I have a road ahead of me that God has laid out and I pray that I have the strength to stay on it. There is a lesson for me to learn from this which I have learned. A lesson of God's compassion, love (hesed), goodness and mercy. I am not perfect and never will be. I am a sinner and a sin, is a sin, is a sin. PERIOD
I look at Jonah and wonder how he missed it. He was actually angry at God. He knew that God is a "gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Jonah 4:2) Yet he was angry with God for showing the same love and compassion to the Ninevites as He did to Jonah.
I have been guilty of that in different ways and I hear people all the time who are as well. They say, "They call themselves Christians but they _______" None of us are perfect. We are all in a different place in our walk. We are all sinners. Anyone can point their finger and fill in that blank about us. Being a Christian doesn't mean I do not sin, I should see sin more clearly and easily, but sometimes still step in it. Walking away was my sin but anything that is against God's will is a sin. If we don't ask God what He wants us to do, then we sin by default...we don't even care to ask.
Praise Lord that I have my God, my Jesus who washed away my sin with his own blood. My God who describes himself in Exodus 33:19 as Goodness, Mercy and Compassion.
I cannot use Him as an excuse to sin, but when I step in it He is there. I have learned to have compassion for those who step into sin. I have learned to show mercy and love, not condemnation. More importantly, to feel the compassion and mercy in my heart. To understand others heartache and not have a judgemental heart. He is God and I am not.
I am breaking through to a new me, thank you Jesus! One step at a time.
Father, what do you want me to do today?
I look at Jonah and wonder how he missed it. He was actually angry at God. He knew that God is a "gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Jonah 4:2) Yet he was angry with God for showing the same love and compassion to the Ninevites as He did to Jonah.
I have been guilty of that in different ways and I hear people all the time who are as well. They say, "They call themselves Christians but they _______" None of us are perfect. We are all in a different place in our walk. We are all sinners. Anyone can point their finger and fill in that blank about us. Being a Christian doesn't mean I do not sin, I should see sin more clearly and easily, but sometimes still step in it. Walking away was my sin but anything that is against God's will is a sin. If we don't ask God what He wants us to do, then we sin by default...we don't even care to ask.
Praise Lord that I have my God, my Jesus who washed away my sin with his own blood. My God who describes himself in Exodus 33:19 as Goodness, Mercy and Compassion.
I cannot use Him as an excuse to sin, but when I step in it He is there. I have learned to have compassion for those who step into sin. I have learned to show mercy and love, not condemnation. More importantly, to feel the compassion and mercy in my heart. To understand others heartache and not have a judgemental heart. He is God and I am not.
I am breaking through to a new me, thank you Jesus! One step at a time.
Father, what do you want me to do today?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Day 2
Today I woke feeling a little less refreshed and ready than yesterday. I am having a difficult time getting out of this funk I am in. I have been through ups and downs in my life, in spirit and in the world. This time the spiritual funk is a little deeper and I need extra work, extra time with God.
This morning I am back in Jonah and even more interested in the great fish that the Lord PROVIDED. What a horrible nasty, smelly rotten place to be. God provided protection to Jonah from the storm Jonah created by not obeying God. But this protection was not an easy place to be. Jonah had sinned and admitted his sin. When he admitted his sin and sacrificed himself to the storm he was protected but it still was not enough. Jonah had to stay in the belly of a fish for 3 days and 3 nights. He needed to do more than just admit his sin. While he was in the fish he turned his eyes back to God, thanked Him and vowed he will make good. He acknowledged God's grace even when Jonah walked in the opposite direction.
When Jonah was truly sorry and came back, God granted repentance and the fish vomited Jonah on to dry land. Once again God gave Jonah the opportunity to follow His will. This time Jonah obeyed .
Today I am in that fish. Yes, I have His protection around me from the storm I caused in my heart, but what a smelly, nasty place to be. I haven't done enough. I realized and admit that I walked the opposite direction of God's will. He gave me gifts to use to glorify His kingdom and I was selfish with them, I didn't allow myself to be used. I got in a rut of everything in this world coming before Him. Until I am truly sorry, not just realize my wrong doing I will stay in this smelly place. God is working on me. I can feel it my soul. I know Him, love Him and trust Him.
The rest of the book of Jonah is living in my heart. I am amazed by God's love and compassion for the Ninevites. I am amazed by Jonah's attitude once God showed the same compassion to the Ninevites that He showed to Jonah. I hope that once God grants me repentance I do not fall into the trap that Jonah and so many of us fall into.
Today I am urgently calling on God. Repentance is coming and I will dwell in the belly of this fish as long as I need to be vomited onto dry land and given another opportunity to follow God's will.
This morning I am back in Jonah and even more interested in the great fish that the Lord PROVIDED. What a horrible nasty, smelly rotten place to be. God provided protection to Jonah from the storm Jonah created by not obeying God. But this protection was not an easy place to be. Jonah had sinned and admitted his sin. When he admitted his sin and sacrificed himself to the storm he was protected but it still was not enough. Jonah had to stay in the belly of a fish for 3 days and 3 nights. He needed to do more than just admit his sin. While he was in the fish he turned his eyes back to God, thanked Him and vowed he will make good. He acknowledged God's grace even when Jonah walked in the opposite direction.
When Jonah was truly sorry and came back, God granted repentance and the fish vomited Jonah on to dry land. Once again God gave Jonah the opportunity to follow His will. This time Jonah obeyed .
Today I am in that fish. Yes, I have His protection around me from the storm I caused in my heart, but what a smelly, nasty place to be. I haven't done enough. I realized and admit that I walked the opposite direction of God's will. He gave me gifts to use to glorify His kingdom and I was selfish with them, I didn't allow myself to be used. I got in a rut of everything in this world coming before Him. Until I am truly sorry, not just realize my wrong doing I will stay in this smelly place. God is working on me. I can feel it my soul. I know Him, love Him and trust Him.
The rest of the book of Jonah is living in my heart. I am amazed by God's love and compassion for the Ninevites. I am amazed by Jonah's attitude once God showed the same compassion to the Ninevites that He showed to Jonah. I hope that once God grants me repentance I do not fall into the trap that Jonah and so many of us fall into.
Today I am urgently calling on God. Repentance is coming and I will dwell in the belly of this fish as long as I need to be vomited onto dry land and given another opportunity to follow God's will.
But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth.
Let everyone call urgently on God.
Let them give up their evil ways and their violence.
Who knows?
God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger
so that we will not perish"
Jonah 3:8-9
Praising Him with all my heart and all my soul. Thank you for your Word and for keeping me safe from my storm.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Day 1
This morning I woke up refreshed and ready for the day. Praying before I sat up, giving my day to God. My Bible, still open to one of my favorite verses:
But the Lord said,
"You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend to it or make it grow.
It sprang up overnight and died overnight."
Jonah 4:10
This is a great scripture. God is so good at pointing out the obvious in my life. I haven't tended to what He has given me.
Over the past year and a half my spiritual life has grown in leaps and bounds. It started with Pastor asking me to give my testimony. I was nervous and afraid. There is no way I could do it not to mention I never imagined anyone would want to hear from me. I just get up everyday and accept what the day brings me and get through it. I obeyed God's calling and agreed whole heartedly to face my fears and uncertainty because God told me to do it. It was very freeing and opened a new world. Just by being obedient I grew and grew. It seemed as though every day I was growing closer to the Lord. I was receiving huge spiritual gifts daily. For the most part I fought them. I knew they were there but used the excuse of not being worthy or not understanding what He wanted from me.
24 Hour prayer in May 2011 changed me forever. I was called to the altar and God showed me exactly what I needed to do. Then I went privately to pray with a small group of God Fearing wonderful men and woman..I was slayed by the spirit. I said YES YES YES and He released bountiful gifts on me. There is no way to explain the joy, peace and contentment. For some time I walked in that peace but somewhere reached a fork in the road and started wandering away and not tending to my vine. The vine that God sprouted up just for me, to cover and shield me. I let it begin to wither away.
Jonah's story is touching my life today. The book of Jonah shows that God loves the whole world. As a matter of fact Jonah means dove. Dove is one of the only animals that lives EVERYWHERE in the world. I think his story applies to me and my life but I also think at one point or another to varying degrees it applies to all of our lives. Now matter who you are or where on earth you live.
Jonah was told by God very specifically where to go and what to do, but he ran away. Disobeying God he went in the opposite direction of where he was told to go. The Lord shook his world letting him know that he can't run away from God. The Lord shook Jonah's world so strongly that a pagan called Johan to prayer. Jonah freely admitted that it was his choice to disobey that caused his world to be shaken. His world shook and shook until there was no choice but to go back to the Lord. He was thrown into a raging sea. But in that sea, God provided protection.
It is amazing to me that even in walking away from God, He will continue to work for His glory. The men on the ship believed that this was God creating this raging sea. They were shown God's great power and accepted Him as the true God and agreed to throw Jonah into the sea. Jonah was in the middle of a horrible storm caused by walking away from God's directions and was given safety. "The Lord PROVIDED a great fish to swallow Jonah".
When I walked in the wrong direction He threw me into a storm. The storm was in my heart, an emotional storm. There is not a day that I stopped loving or trusting Him, I just wasn't working on the relationship He wants for me. I was not using the gifts He so generously gave me. He wants me, He wants all of us, to work for His glory. I put everything before Him. Today I pray the same prayer as Jonah:
"...When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple."
"Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord."
Thank you God for throwing me into the storming sea! It is not going to be an easy road but it is one I will travel with great joy and anticipation.
Friday, August 19, 2011
It's About Time
I have been so lost the last few weeks. Lost in everything...except God. I get up in the morning and start on work right away. No time for coffee, no time for housework, no time for bills, no time for God. I wake my daughter, back to work, take her to school (unless it's not my turn) back to work. I feel like I am always working on something and never getting anything done. I wish I could make time.
About a week ago my daughter started asking "What's wrong Mom?" or "Are You OK?". "Yes, I'm good, I'm fine." I'd say. Today she pointed out that I am becoming the dreaded facebook whiner. Now that, I cannot have! This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
God has blessed me beyond belief and I am becoming a facebook whiner. I have the most amazing children, parents, brother, sister and church. A church that is filled with the most amazing brothers and sisters a person could ever hope to have. He gave me the opportunity to work from home so I can have more time with all of my families. My blessings are like an iceburg with just the tip showing through the water but they go so very deep. What do I have to whine about?
Over the past week or so I have been complaining that I am drowning, I am overwhelmed, I can't keep up, I need more time. I have been slipping into a depression, not eating, sleeping too much getting sick and giving up.
It hit me while talking to one of the most amazing women I know who just happens to be part of my church. I need to make time. Time for Him. Once I get back into making time for Him everything else will fall into place.
Tomorrow is a new day and I praise God for that. If He gives me tomorrow I will have 24 hours just like everyone else does. It's all about priorities and giving Him the top spot on the to do list. Make time for Him, the time He deserves and desires to spend with me.
August 20, 2011 I am beginning a new journey. A journey led by God. I am getting back on the path He put me on. I have stepped away, allowing everything in my life take priority over Him. No more! I asked Him back, I turned around and there He was, arms wide open, full of grace. For the first time in months, I cannot wait to see what He has for me tomorrow.
I will be blogging my journey. It is about time I use this blog for what He intended it to be. It is about Him, not me.
Washing my hands tonight. A new day tomorrow, thank you Jesus!
About a week ago my daughter started asking "What's wrong Mom?" or "Are You OK?". "Yes, I'm good, I'm fine." I'd say. Today she pointed out that I am becoming the dreaded facebook whiner. Now that, I cannot have! This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
God has blessed me beyond belief and I am becoming a facebook whiner. I have the most amazing children, parents, brother, sister and church. A church that is filled with the most amazing brothers and sisters a person could ever hope to have. He gave me the opportunity to work from home so I can have more time with all of my families. My blessings are like an iceburg with just the tip showing through the water but they go so very deep. What do I have to whine about?
Over the past week or so I have been complaining that I am drowning, I am overwhelmed, I can't keep up, I need more time. I have been slipping into a depression, not eating, sleeping too much getting sick and giving up.
It hit me while talking to one of the most amazing women I know who just happens to be part of my church. I need to make time. Time for Him. Once I get back into making time for Him everything else will fall into place.
Tomorrow is a new day and I praise God for that. If He gives me tomorrow I will have 24 hours just like everyone else does. It's all about priorities and giving Him the top spot on the to do list. Make time for Him, the time He deserves and desires to spend with me.
August 20, 2011 I am beginning a new journey. A journey led by God. I am getting back on the path He put me on. I have stepped away, allowing everything in my life take priority over Him. No more! I asked Him back, I turned around and there He was, arms wide open, full of grace. For the first time in months, I cannot wait to see what He has for me tomorrow.
I will be blogging my journey. It is about time I use this blog for what He intended it to be. It is about Him, not me.
Washing my hands tonight. A new day tomorrow, thank you Jesus!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
God's Voice
Have you ever wondered what God's voice sounds like? People have said that He doesn't speak audibly it's a feeling in your heart, it's the voice in your head that you just know to be true. I think that anyone I have ever heard answer the question "How do you know God is speaking to you?" has had a different answer. I have heard Him speak, I have heard is voice. That I know for certain...he once told me "Don't worry I've got you". Somehow that doesn't seem as amazing as when He works through the everyday experiences to let me know He really does have me.
I have had a horrible week. Nothing in my world seems right. I turn in every direction looking for joy in my heart and it just isn't there. Yesterday I was walking through the grocery store and I couldn't concentrate on the task at hand. Silent tears in the meat department. Not a pretty sight. I was using my phone to take notes so that I can plan the meals for the week. I had a pretty good list going too, it was making me awfully hungry. At one point I added a meal to my list and started looking for the ingredients. The next time I looked at my list it had been replaced by another:
Bible Joy
Ps 16:11
I thought I might have somehow jumped to another note I was taking but had forgotten about. I looked at the date and time it was entered. Nope it was brand new. How?!! I had no idea until I read it. Thank God for technology, I was able to look it up on my Bible App right then and there. It was a message from my Daddy.
Shouldn't knowing that we will have the pleasures of living with Him forever be enough joy to sustain anyone? I have to be honest, for me, it isn't as simple as that. It takes work, reminding, time in the Word and in worship. It takes being deliberate about being in His presence and it takes His gentle reminders like this one and many many more He has been showing me. It takes His gentle whisper in my heart and the slight pressure of His hands on my back nudging me in the right direction. It takes knowing that when I do walk in another direction all I have to do is turn around and His hands are there welcoming me back and ready to nudge me again and keep me safe from sorrow and from my own selfish mistakes.
God does speak audibly, I know it to be true. I also know that He is God and I am not, He will speak to me in a way that only He knows I will understand. He speaks to each of us in the way we need to hear it, not the way we want to hear it.
Praise be to God! He is good ALL THE TIME!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Ouch
I have always heard the saying 'the truth hurts' but never really believed it until last night. It sure did sting and boy did I need it!
There are few times in my life I feel like wallowing in self pity. Yesterday was one of those days. I thought I had good reason. I have a constant pressure on me with a marriage that isn't always perfect, a new job that is getting the best of me, financial stresses that seem to never stop, then the biggie...
My little girl spread her wings. She decided the best way to get her life on track is to join the US Navy. I couldn't be more proud, she made the nuclear program which means a future so bright she's gotta wear shades. She was set to leave on March 6, 2012. I had plenty of time to prepare myself...two days later she gets the call..."how about you leave in 5 days?"
On Tuesday I had 8 months to prepare for her to leave, on Monday she was gone. She pulled me aside before going into her MEPS meeting and said "I will tell you goodbye here, I can't cry in front of a room full of Marines." We said our goodyes and I watched her walk down the hall saying "I'll see you in about a year Mommy, I love you."
I made it through Tuesday because I had to, I got to talk to her either by phone or text 3 times Tuesday which helped. The third time we spoke she sounded tired and scared and said "the next time we will be able to talk is in 2-3 weeks."
Wednesday everything made me angry. Not one thing went right with my job so I gave up trying at about 9:00am. No one driving anywhere knew how to drive. I couldn't eat. When I did eat I ate redvines or brownies left over from the going away party. The only time I wasn't crying was when I was hiding my tears from my younger daughter who desperately misses her sister too.
I started complaining to a friend. A true friend that isn't afraid to tell me the truth, even if it stings. She said "You have to stop!!!!" She reminded me that this is an answer to many prayers. This is what we all need and is a blessing, told me to stop it, get out of the house, force myself to get it together and deal in healthy ways. She reminded me that I HAVE NO CONTROL of this. She laid it out..."start your day in the Word" let her go on her new adventure and pray pray pray for her.
Wow back to that lesson again, I seem to never learn...I am not in control.
This morning I woke to a new day...Thank you Jesus. Before I got out of bed I asked God for guidance, prayed for my Navy Nuke girl and the rest of my family. I thanked Him for putting people in my life that love me enough to tell me the truth and snap me out of a pity party. I grabbed a cup of coffee a healthy morning snack and my good ole bible. What a difference a day makes. I miss my girl like crazy but she is in the hands of the US Navy and even bigger than that, she has been laid at the feet of the most awesome God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords! Her new adventure is going to bring her a new life on earth but I have faith like never before that she is takingsteps towards the riches of the kingdom of God.
I studied the book of James this morning. James writes that faith without deeds is useless. With the sun rising this morning I looked at the beauty around me. Every detail made me smile, the sunshine, the butterflies, even the spider webs looked amazing glistening in the sun light. Instead of looking at my deeds on earth showing my faith, I started looking at God's deeds. Without His deeds I would not know Him, I doubt that I would want to know Him and I am certain that I wouldn't trust Him. James also writes that the tongue can corrupt a whole person, set a whole course in someones life on fire. Last night my tongue was speaking fire into my spirit, blinding me to the truth, the blessings in my life, allowing me to see nothing but a pitiful sorrowful self. This is not what God wants for me or for my children as they set off on their own adventures.
I ended my time in the Word in James 4:15 "...you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and this or that."
I am just a mist, I am not in control of everything. The only thing I am in control of are my decisions. I have decided that I need to give each day to God; to listen to His desires;to speak life, not death; to live not by faith alone but by my deeds so that I can share the glory of my Father.
I have a dear friend to thank for always telling me the truth, even when it hurts.
Thank you God for another day not promised and for your Son who died because of your love for me.
There are few times in my life I feel like wallowing in self pity. Yesterday was one of those days. I thought I had good reason. I have a constant pressure on me with a marriage that isn't always perfect, a new job that is getting the best of me, financial stresses that seem to never stop, then the biggie...
My little girl spread her wings. She decided the best way to get her life on track is to join the US Navy. I couldn't be more proud, she made the nuclear program which means a future so bright she's gotta wear shades. She was set to leave on March 6, 2012. I had plenty of time to prepare myself...two days later she gets the call..."how about you leave in 5 days?"
On Tuesday I had 8 months to prepare for her to leave, on Monday she was gone. She pulled me aside before going into her MEPS meeting and said "I will tell you goodbye here, I can't cry in front of a room full of Marines." We said our goodyes and I watched her walk down the hall saying "I'll see you in about a year Mommy, I love you."
I made it through Tuesday because I had to, I got to talk to her either by phone or text 3 times Tuesday which helped. The third time we spoke she sounded tired and scared and said "the next time we will be able to talk is in 2-3 weeks."
Wednesday everything made me angry. Not one thing went right with my job so I gave up trying at about 9:00am. No one driving anywhere knew how to drive. I couldn't eat. When I did eat I ate redvines or brownies left over from the going away party. The only time I wasn't crying was when I was hiding my tears from my younger daughter who desperately misses her sister too.
I started complaining to a friend. A true friend that isn't afraid to tell me the truth, even if it stings. She said "You have to stop!!!!" She reminded me that this is an answer to many prayers. This is what we all need and is a blessing, told me to stop it, get out of the house, force myself to get it together and deal in healthy ways. She reminded me that I HAVE NO CONTROL of this. She laid it out..."start your day in the Word" let her go on her new adventure and pray pray pray for her.
Wow back to that lesson again, I seem to never learn...I am not in control.
This morning I woke to a new day...Thank you Jesus. Before I got out of bed I asked God for guidance, prayed for my Navy Nuke girl and the rest of my family. I thanked Him for putting people in my life that love me enough to tell me the truth and snap me out of a pity party. I grabbed a cup of coffee a healthy morning snack and my good ole bible. What a difference a day makes. I miss my girl like crazy but she is in the hands of the US Navy and even bigger than that, she has been laid at the feet of the most awesome God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords! Her new adventure is going to bring her a new life on earth but I have faith like never before that she is takingsteps towards the riches of the kingdom of God.
I studied the book of James this morning. James writes that faith without deeds is useless. With the sun rising this morning I looked at the beauty around me. Every detail made me smile, the sunshine, the butterflies, even the spider webs looked amazing glistening in the sun light. Instead of looking at my deeds on earth showing my faith, I started looking at God's deeds. Without His deeds I would not know Him, I doubt that I would want to know Him and I am certain that I wouldn't trust Him. James also writes that the tongue can corrupt a whole person, set a whole course in someones life on fire. Last night my tongue was speaking fire into my spirit, blinding me to the truth, the blessings in my life, allowing me to see nothing but a pitiful sorrowful self. This is not what God wants for me or for my children as they set off on their own adventures.
I ended my time in the Word in James 4:15 "...you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and this or that."
I am just a mist, I am not in control of everything. The only thing I am in control of are my decisions. I have decided that I need to give each day to God; to listen to His desires;to speak life, not death; to live not by faith alone but by my deeds so that I can share the glory of my Father.
I have a dear friend to thank for always telling me the truth, even when it hurts.
Thank you God for another day not promised and for your Son who died because of your love for me.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Test
It's been awhile since I've blogged. I have been learning a lesson on letting go.
A few months ago I thought I laid everything at His feet. I gave my daughter's lives to Him and stopped trying to fix everything. Every time I take a step forward on my walk of faith I seem to take a step back. Fortunately this time it was more like I stalled instead of moving backwards.
After laying it down and following instructions from a man that I trust is speaking God's words to "get in the driver's seat" I was tested again.
I was offered a new job, actually a career. When we got down to the all important money, I was frankly disappointed at best. No pay increase with a huge increase in responsiblilty from what I am doing now. I was ready to tell them not a chance but I decided not to. I needed to wait, think about it, pray on it and listen to what God wants for me. The next morning I woke with a new attitude. I was reminded that just days before, I was wishing for a job that had more flexibility so I can spend more time with my girls, spend more time with God, spend more time taking care of my home and be able to get in the driver's seat. Here it is, dropped right into my lap. Everything I asked for and then some. I get to work from home and make my own schedule. I took the step of faith and accepted the opportunity to be in the driver's seat and cannot wait see what God has in store for me.
The second test, and the biggest was putting my faith in God for my girls. My oldest who is 19 mentioned she was thinking of joining the Navy. I asked my bible study group to pray for her. What I was asking for was not my will, that she not leave me, but that what God wants in her life is where she is led. Last week she called me at work and happily announced that she had decided she is definitely joining. Even though I know it is best for my family, especially her, I lost it. I couldn't believe my reaction, I was bawling like a baby. Here I am asking for God's will when what I really wanted was my will. I am constantly asking to hear His voice. I try to so hard to hear Him, to just listen. This was a light bulb moment. I do hear, I just don't hear what I expect and not always what I want. This was the hard part of the test...listen to something I don't want to hear. Although it has been gradual, I am accepting her decision. As I type this she is taking her entry exam and preparing to choose her career path next week. Wow, my baby in the Navy. I couldn't be more proud of her courage and desire to better her life. That is the goal as a parent after all, to raise strong, independant loving people. I did it!
My prayers were answered and I passed the test, at least this portion of it. It is so much easier to put my faith in Him for my life than it is for their lives. I want so much more for my children than I want for me and feel like I have to get them where they need to go. The truth is God wants so much more for them than I can ever offer. I have to lay them at His feet, then the hard part, walk away and listen.
Psalm 66:8-10
Praise our God, all peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.
A few months ago I thought I laid everything at His feet. I gave my daughter's lives to Him and stopped trying to fix everything. Every time I take a step forward on my walk of faith I seem to take a step back. Fortunately this time it was more like I stalled instead of moving backwards.
After laying it down and following instructions from a man that I trust is speaking God's words to "get in the driver's seat" I was tested again.
I was offered a new job, actually a career. When we got down to the all important money, I was frankly disappointed at best. No pay increase with a huge increase in responsiblilty from what I am doing now. I was ready to tell them not a chance but I decided not to. I needed to wait, think about it, pray on it and listen to what God wants for me. The next morning I woke with a new attitude. I was reminded that just days before, I was wishing for a job that had more flexibility so I can spend more time with my girls, spend more time with God, spend more time taking care of my home and be able to get in the driver's seat. Here it is, dropped right into my lap. Everything I asked for and then some. I get to work from home and make my own schedule. I took the step of faith and accepted the opportunity to be in the driver's seat and cannot wait see what God has in store for me.
The second test, and the biggest was putting my faith in God for my girls. My oldest who is 19 mentioned she was thinking of joining the Navy. I asked my bible study group to pray for her. What I was asking for was not my will, that she not leave me, but that what God wants in her life is where she is led. Last week she called me at work and happily announced that she had decided she is definitely joining. Even though I know it is best for my family, especially her, I lost it. I couldn't believe my reaction, I was bawling like a baby. Here I am asking for God's will when what I really wanted was my will. I am constantly asking to hear His voice. I try to so hard to hear Him, to just listen. This was a light bulb moment. I do hear, I just don't hear what I expect and not always what I want. This was the hard part of the test...listen to something I don't want to hear. Although it has been gradual, I am accepting her decision. As I type this she is taking her entry exam and preparing to choose her career path next week. Wow, my baby in the Navy. I couldn't be more proud of her courage and desire to better her life. That is the goal as a parent after all, to raise strong, independant loving people. I did it!
My prayers were answered and I passed the test, at least this portion of it. It is so much easier to put my faith in Him for my life than it is for their lives. I want so much more for my children than I want for me and feel like I have to get them where they need to go. The truth is God wants so much more for them than I can ever offer. I have to lay them at His feet, then the hard part, walk away and listen.
Psalm 66:8-10
Praise our God, all peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.
Monday, April 11, 2011
What I Do Know
Today I woke up on the wrong side of bed. Before I even got up I was running late, I went down stairs and the coffee didn't brew, I was upset from the night before and couldn't come up with one kind thought. I didn't even want to be around me, how was I going to get through the day?
I turned on my favorite radio station and someone was talking about praying for others and when he does he realizes how blessed he is. I was immediately convicted. All morning the only thing on my mind was poor me, nothing is going right. Instead of thanking God for what He has given me (I was driving my SUV to the job I love so that I can pay for the home that He is allowing me to live in at this point of my life) I was whining.
My problems were so small, especially in comparison to what my life once was. Once I had cancer, once I lost a child. I really don't understand why horrible things happen some times. I do know that when they do my Father hurts for me. I do know something good will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS come from of it. I do know that there is a God that loves me. I do know that He will do anything to save me. I know this because He loved me enough to send his son for me. I can't even imagine allowing one of my children to be hurt, let alone the sufferings and torturous death that Jesus went through. God sent His son to pay the price for me. A son that willingly gave his life for me, whose blood has washed away all my sins and has made me pure.
There are many things I don't understand but I thank God for what I do understand.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I turned on my favorite radio station and someone was talking about praying for others and when he does he realizes how blessed he is. I was immediately convicted. All morning the only thing on my mind was poor me, nothing is going right. Instead of thanking God for what He has given me (I was driving my SUV to the job I love so that I can pay for the home that He is allowing me to live in at this point of my life) I was whining.
My problems were so small, especially in comparison to what my life once was. Once I had cancer, once I lost a child. I really don't understand why horrible things happen some times. I do know that when they do my Father hurts for me. I do know something good will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS come from of it. I do know that there is a God that loves me. I do know that He will do anything to save me. I know this because He loved me enough to send his son for me. I can't even imagine allowing one of my children to be hurt, let alone the sufferings and torturous death that Jesus went through. God sent His son to pay the price for me. A son that willingly gave his life for me, whose blood has washed away all my sins and has made me pure.
There are many things I don't understand but I thank God for what I do understand.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Monday, April 4, 2011
Why?
Since Sunday morning the same question has been on my mind...Why?
For weeks we have been going through the Book of Revelation. While Pastor was talking about Jesus himself having blood on his robe and locking Satan away for 1,000 years I started asking why. Why did God create us the way He did? If He created us to have a relationship, why did He create us with free will? He knew that some of us would turn away from Him, He knew that in the end Jesus would have to come back and rid the world of evil. If He knew we would turn away and this beautiful, horrible day would come why wouldn't He just create a playmate, a friend, a companion? We could all just live in Eden forever without a care, walking in the garden along side God.
Why? It is all about relationship. The awesome relationship that we were created for. There is no foundation for a relationship if you are in it because you have to be or you are supposed to be. Where is the joy in that? The ones in your life that you can't wait to see; your spouse, parents, friends, children. These are the ones you go to in times of sorrow and in times of joy. You have a desire to share the most intimate details of your life with that one person that makes your heart jump. When we have that desire for God we have the cornerstone of a relationship that doesn't compare to anything this side of Heaven.
On this walk I have shared some amazing and sorrowful times with my Father. He has walked with me during the most joyful times of my life. During the greatest blessings of my life, while I was holding my babies for the first time, He was holding me. He also held me through the worst times. When my husband lost his job and we didn't know where our house payment was going to come from our how we were going to buy groceries. He held me when our oldest daughter died just after her 20th birthday. He held me when I was diagnosed with cancer and through the process of kicking cancer's butt. He held me when the bank was threatening to take my home.
These trials are what create a bond, a relationship that is worth working on. I spent many years trying to handle it all and be everything to everyone. The amazing thing is that when I took that first step He was waiting there for me, because I am the one that makes his heart jump. When we are bumped our true selves come out. I have found that my true self is a child of God. I want to belong to Him because He loves me enough to be my everything and that makes my heart jump.
Romans 5:3-5
"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
For weeks we have been going through the Book of Revelation. While Pastor was talking about Jesus himself having blood on his robe and locking Satan away for 1,000 years I started asking why. Why did God create us the way He did? If He created us to have a relationship, why did He create us with free will? He knew that some of us would turn away from Him, He knew that in the end Jesus would have to come back and rid the world of evil. If He knew we would turn away and this beautiful, horrible day would come why wouldn't He just create a playmate, a friend, a companion? We could all just live in Eden forever without a care, walking in the garden along side God.
Why? It is all about relationship. The awesome relationship that we were created for. There is no foundation for a relationship if you are in it because you have to be or you are supposed to be. Where is the joy in that? The ones in your life that you can't wait to see; your spouse, parents, friends, children. These are the ones you go to in times of sorrow and in times of joy. You have a desire to share the most intimate details of your life with that one person that makes your heart jump. When we have that desire for God we have the cornerstone of a relationship that doesn't compare to anything this side of Heaven.
On this walk I have shared some amazing and sorrowful times with my Father. He has walked with me during the most joyful times of my life. During the greatest blessings of my life, while I was holding my babies for the first time, He was holding me. He also held me through the worst times. When my husband lost his job and we didn't know where our house payment was going to come from our how we were going to buy groceries. He held me when our oldest daughter died just after her 20th birthday. He held me when I was diagnosed with cancer and through the process of kicking cancer's butt. He held me when the bank was threatening to take my home.
These trials are what create a bond, a relationship that is worth working on. I spent many years trying to handle it all and be everything to everyone. The amazing thing is that when I took that first step He was waiting there for me, because I am the one that makes his heart jump. When we are bumped our true selves come out. I have found that my true self is a child of God. I want to belong to Him because He loves me enough to be my everything and that makes my heart jump.
Romans 5:3-5
"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship
I am walking in faith, on a path that I did not choose nor do I understand. I have been searching for my purpose and everytime I get a glimpse of what that might be I close my eyes and walk away.
Last week I was struggling. God had blessed me beyond anything I deserve. Yet, I still went looking for comfort in the wrong places. We can look for comfort in something as innocent as buying a new dress that makes us feel pretty, but we are never satisifed until we find the relationship we were made for.
I have an hour plus commute each morning which gives me a lot of time to think. Usually thinking myself out of things. Last week I decided that I would make the most of my commute and have quiet time with God. It was easy to turn off the radio, not so easy to turn off my head. But once I did, God put in on my heart to share my walk in this format. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not an easy task for me, but I decdied that I needed to stop listening to myself and start listening to Him. Even as write today, I struggle with questions. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Where do I begin? Where did my walk start and when did I take my first real step?
I always thought that because I knew of Jesus and wanted to be a good girl I was a Christian. I suppose that since I knew in my heart that Jesus was the way to Heaven I was. But truthfully the first step I took was when I decided I needed a relationship with my creator. It took many years to get to that point and those years were filled with struggles that I will talk about in later posts. The night the greatest relationship of my life began is truly MY beginning. Before then I was going to church regulary, taking my girls with me as often as I could get them to go. I loved being there, it felt great. The music made me feel good and I always learned something new during the sermon. I realize now that I was just playing church.
The tensions had built in my home to the point my teenage daughter was struggling. She has always been a great kid, never in any trouble and always a joy to be around but at home she felt safe to unload. She couldn't handle what our life had become, cried most of the time, and didn't see any hope for joy. Inside she was hurting and I see now that I was not helping her to handle the stresses. I myself was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety that not even my closest friends could see the affects on my life. This night in particular her emotions were out of control. I don't remember what I said to her but I hurt her. Instead of calming her and helping her, I hurt her to the point she left the house. I still have trouble forgiving myself for my sharp tongue, but God has forgiven me. It was about 2:00am and I was driving around town looking for my daughter. Everything hit me all at once. The past several years of my life came crashing down. I couldn't take any more, I was broken.
This is when I took my first step as a Christian woman. I looked to God for help. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A true friendship, full of love and grace. A friend that is with me for eternity never questioning if I am good enough. I pulled over, parked my car and let it all out. I gave my life to God, pleaded with Him to take my burdens and carry them for me. I have never cried so hard in all of my life. Once I let it go, I was able have peace that my daughter would be okay. I turned the car around went home and sat patiently waiting for her return. She got home safe and sound and I thanked God for His blessings before going to bed.
Ps 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Last week I was struggling. God had blessed me beyond anything I deserve. Yet, I still went looking for comfort in the wrong places. We can look for comfort in something as innocent as buying a new dress that makes us feel pretty, but we are never satisifed until we find the relationship we were made for.
I have an hour plus commute each morning which gives me a lot of time to think. Usually thinking myself out of things. Last week I decided that I would make the most of my commute and have quiet time with God. It was easy to turn off the radio, not so easy to turn off my head. But once I did, God put in on my heart to share my walk in this format. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not an easy task for me, but I decdied that I needed to stop listening to myself and start listening to Him. Even as write today, I struggle with questions. Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Where do I begin? Where did my walk start and when did I take my first real step?
I always thought that because I knew of Jesus and wanted to be a good girl I was a Christian. I suppose that since I knew in my heart that Jesus was the way to Heaven I was. But truthfully the first step I took was when I decided I needed a relationship with my creator. It took many years to get to that point and those years were filled with struggles that I will talk about in later posts. The night the greatest relationship of my life began is truly MY beginning. Before then I was going to church regulary, taking my girls with me as often as I could get them to go. I loved being there, it felt great. The music made me feel good and I always learned something new during the sermon. I realize now that I was just playing church.
The tensions had built in my home to the point my teenage daughter was struggling. She has always been a great kid, never in any trouble and always a joy to be around but at home she felt safe to unload. She couldn't handle what our life had become, cried most of the time, and didn't see any hope for joy. Inside she was hurting and I see now that I was not helping her to handle the stresses. I myself was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety that not even my closest friends could see the affects on my life. This night in particular her emotions were out of control. I don't remember what I said to her but I hurt her. Instead of calming her and helping her, I hurt her to the point she left the house. I still have trouble forgiving myself for my sharp tongue, but God has forgiven me. It was about 2:00am and I was driving around town looking for my daughter. Everything hit me all at once. The past several years of my life came crashing down. I couldn't take any more, I was broken.
This is when I took my first step as a Christian woman. I looked to God for help. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A true friendship, full of love and grace. A friend that is with me for eternity never questioning if I am good enough. I pulled over, parked my car and let it all out. I gave my life to God, pleaded with Him to take my burdens and carry them for me. I have never cried so hard in all of my life. Once I let it go, I was able have peace that my daughter would be okay. I turned the car around went home and sat patiently waiting for her return. She got home safe and sound and I thanked God for His blessings before going to bed.
Ps 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning."
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